Icons Lost

I can't believe that we have lost so many well known personalities in the last few weeks! Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays and Michael Jackson. The news is full of remembrances, memorials, and latest breaking news of each piece of lives lost. I have reflected to myself as I take this all in that in the end it is all the same. It doesn't matter who you are or what fame you have acquired, you can't live forever.
I mean, who would want to right? Isn't part of what makes our will to live so strong the fact that our days are numbered? Supply and demand, our lives are worth so much more to us because we know that it won't last. So instead of living life on a hamster wheel, shouldn't we be living life to the fullest? I don't mean that we should go crazy, spend our life savings in one fell swoop, tell the whole world off, and Thelma and Louis ourselves off a cliff in a convertible. I simply mean that life is precious. This is a fact that will never ever change. With each child born into the world another integral part of life has begun to exist. We are all part of a greater plan, a plan that makes us all equally important. Although our passing may never be documented by a video montage, or broadcast across the nation, we will be missed. I have spent so many years waiting for the 'right moment' to live. Why? Do you have to take a huge vacation or spend a million dollars to be living? How about I take that extra moment to get one more hug from my kids, or take that fifteen minutes take them to the park. I can go ahead and let them have an ice cream cone, what will it really hurt? I don't intend to completely fall off track and fail to expect my children to follow the rules or have morals. I just think that maybe just maybe life is in the living and money and prestige isn't any part of that. I could just be saying that because I don't have any money and I want to feel that I have a chance at grabbing that elusive happiness that so many want. Maybe I just have big dreams. I want to make the most of what I have and to ensure that my children, family and friends know that I love them. I want to be nice because I want to even if it isn't popular. I want to be happy. I am working on that right now!! So to all of you who I love, go out and get some for yourselves! Get happy, get what you deserve. Love your families, love your friends. Go ahead, write your grandmother, call your mom, Live your life!!!

One More Grey Hair

I got the worst call tonight. I received that call that says that a child has been hurt, your child. I knew that at one point this call would come, I just didn't know when. My youngest daughter is with her father for summer break so I have to let her go for a week at a time all summer long when it is his turn again. I got a call from my ex-husband tonight telling me that my daughter had fallen and been knocked unconscious at his house. He was calling to get insurance information so that he could check her into the the ER. I wanted to know what was going on, but of course he wasn't keen to tell me. I rushed to the Hospital to be with my daughter. When I got there my ex was a pain as usual, but my daughter was thrilled to see me. She was scared but sound. She had a slight headache but her CT scan came back ok. I was so relieved to know that she was ok. I know how close a call it could have been. I am so thankful that it wasn't worse. While dealing with my ex is a pain in the backside on the best day, I would have gone through so much more to be there for my little girl. The look on her face when her mommy came through the door made it all worth it!!!

A day of thinking and rearranging....

I have been a bit down lately, I wanted certain things in my life to work out alot better than they have and when they didn't go my way.. well disappointment is the next step I suppose.... I know that life can't always be perfect and that happiness is what you make it so I guess I will just have to walk a different path for a while.
When I get like this my anecdote is to rearrange furniture. I know.. strange, but it helps. If you can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it, then you can't brain-storm a solution in the same room setting that the problem was created in.. at least that is my justification! I think alot of it is that sometimes when things happen we feel helpless and out of control and if I move some furniture around and create a new environment I feel like I am doing something. I feel like I get to decide the outcome or control something in my life. It really does help and I get to feel like I redecorated when I am done!

Math is Fun?

There has been no summer vacation for me this year. I am taking a summer math class to try to keep myself on track with my goal to apply for the OTA program in the Spring. I am also trying to revise some essays and not having much luck. There is alot of personal blah blah blah going on these days and then there is work. So it is a concoction that is hard to swallow sometimes. I need to work on my time management, but I am not sure what it is that I am supposed to manage. I have cut out everything I know to cut, and I use every second I can to study.. there just doesn't seem to be enough seconds. I have to say one thing, if nothing else College has been a lesson in self discipline. I have to keep myself on task at all times, and even then life doesn't always cooperate with me. But what is a girl to do? Keep your nose to the grindstone and work work work. As Dori says... " just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming"! So, I've got my suit on, and I am diving in!

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Good Morning!!!! Its my Birthday!!! I am officially 32 years old today!!! I know that some would say that turning 32 is nothing to sing about, but I choose to look at it differently. I have decided that 30 is the new 20, so I am just getting started!! I have alot going on in my life.. but I know that there is nowhere to go but UP!! I am keeping my smile on my face and a spring in my step. I know that the best is yet to come!

Weight Loss Challenge!

I am so excited! I have started a fitness plan! I went to the gym at the school and met with a fitness counselor to map out a plan for myself. I am really looking forward to all the activities! Zumba, Pilate's, Weight training, the works! I really think this is going to make the difference in my weight loss goals. My goal is 10 lbs every 6 weeks. I hope to lose 60 pounds in 6 months. I figure why not start with a lofty goal right? I am so ready to start my first class!!!! I have the shoes, I have the moves, I have the motivation!!! Let's go!!! Wish me luck!

Weekly Weigh-in

So... I did my weekly weigh- in and it was just plain depressing. 211lbs. I am up... not down! I am really struggling with getting into shape. I have perfect excuses.. school, kids and work.. but I don't want that! I want to be fit and to feel good. So, more work is in store I guess becuase what I am doing just isn't enough! I know that I can conquer this hurdle! I just have to work on it! I am really trying to do it the healthy way.. so I will just keep it up and I will succeed! I want to be thinner.. but most importantly.. I want to be healthy. I have done weightloss the quick way and put my body through hell. I am going through more of a lifestyle change these days. Wish me luck!

Your Never Too Old to Cry for Your Cat

I lost a great friend today. My cat of 6 years was struck by a car and killed. I am so sad, and yet I can't help but smile through my tears when I think of all the happiness that cat brought me. Patrick came into my life one warm sunny spring day in the hands of my younger brother. I was working in the kitchen when through the open window I heard my 11 year old brother calling my name loudly as he ran toward the house. I came out to see what all the ruckus was about, when he slid to a stop in front of me with his hands out in front of him. Inside those cupped hands was a tiny tiger striped kitten all fluffy and orangey-yellow. He was so new that his eyes were still fused shut and his tiny head still wiggled and bobbed when he tried to lift it. Patrick had been left or had scooted himself into a tool bucket in my parents barn and had become stuck. My brother was playing near the barn and heard the tiny cries coming from the bucket and investigated. So then the next step was to get help and that is where I came in. Nathan brought me this tiny little thing and said,"please save him, he has no momma!". I put my new baby in a little box of warm soft towels and started my research. I called my vet and poked around online for tips on how to care for a newborn kitten. I made a mad dash to Wal-mart to get tiny kitten bottles and milk replacer. When I arrived home I discovered that the nipples designed for newborn kittens were still too much of a mouthful for My newborn kitten. So, I rummaged around and found a tiny medicine dropper in a junk drawer and I fed my little Patrick his warmed milk every two hours a drop at a time.
Caring for Patrick was like having a baby all over again. I had the late night feedings, and then I had to massage his belly to get the air out. Kept him near my bed with a heat lamp nearby to keep him warm. When I went to work he stayed in a little box under the desk in my office. It was alot of work taking care of him, but I didn't mind, I was completely in love.
Over time Patrick grew from a tiny kitten to a huge yellow and orange striped tiger of a cat. He was regal and majestic; he ruled like a farm version of the king of beasts. He would hunt and stalk and dolefully watch his subjects from his perch on the front step but he was still my baby. Patrick was a prolific hunter and he loved to hunt in the woods across the road from my parents' farm. He had been living with my parents while I was saving up to have him de-clawed so that he could live in my apartment with the kids and I. He was a very large cat and I wanted to give the kids and our very small dog a fighting chance. The daily trek across the road would be Patrick's downfall. My wonderful father found him shortly after the accident and buried him next to my other companion Patches who I had since childhood and lost to kidney disease. I was so grateful to my Dad for taking the extra time and care, for knowing what it would mean to me. My mother came all the way to Springfield to tell me and held me while I cried out my grief over the loss of my sweet pet. I know to some this would seem silly, but Patrick was no ordinary cat. Patrick was a big part of my family, and his loss is felt strongly by every one of us. So here is to pets, friends, confidantes, companions.

Thinking Moments

I had the pleasure of spending some time with two of my younger brothers on Friday night. My two youngest brothers Nathan and Matthew came over which is always a welcome surprise. I love hanging out with my siblings and I enjoy my youngest brothers very much! I am so lucky that two teenage guys, 18 and 17 respectively, actually want to hang out with their 31 year old sister!
On this particular evening Nathan and I planned to go and see the new X-Men Origins film and my brother Matthew volunteered to watch my kids. I couldn't say no to that! We had a great time and after it was all said and done I drove the boys to my parents home roughly an hour away.
Since it was a Friday night my parents were both up even though it was getting a bit late, and my dad shared some unwelcome news with me. My sister had been run over by a car and was in the hospital recuperating from 3 fractured ribs and a punctured lung. I was shocked, and then I started to cry. I work in health care so I know just how close a call it was. I was so relieved that her injuries weren't worse, or even fatal. In the moments after I heard the news my mind was running a mile a minute. I realized that I hadn't talked to my sister in a year and hadn't seen her in two. I hadn't written or even sent a Christmas card. It wasn't that I hadn't mean to do those things, they just didn't ever happen. I love my sister, but we haven't always been close. In fact, when we were girls we fought quite a bit. We were very different and usually didn't see eye to eye. I haven't always agreed with her, but Carrie is my only sister and the realization that I could have lost her forever was frightening and overwhelming for me. In that moment I made a resolution to be more diligent in keeping up contact with family members that I don't see on a regular basis. I don't want to regret what I should have done. I am not perfect, but I know I need to at least improve if not perfect my communication with family. I am so grateful that Carrie is on the mend, and I am so thankful that she was spared. I am also thankful for a well needed wake-up call so that I can change my ways before it is too late!!