Working, tired, brain is dead, what else? I can't think today.. but my head is so full!!! I have alot happening in my life right now and it makes my head spin! I am not saying that others don't have greater trials than mine, or even that my life is really unfortunate at all. I am merely commenting on the fact that when there is too much swirling around in my little pot that sometimes I get boggled and things boil over. I worked this weekend and I was so tired that I laid on the couch literally as soon as I came home and fell asleep. My poor kids made themselves some sandwiches and watched movies, read and played in their room. I didn't get any homework really done at all!! I still have laundry and dishes to do and we are hoping to be moving to a new apt next month and I haven't even started packing! I must be mis-managing my time somewhere. I blame the sleeping, but I am soo tired! I want to keep going when I get home, but then I get there and I just need to rest. I am really frustrated right now because I have so much that I need to get done. I have deadlines! I tell myself that I just need to push past it, work harder. Lately my will and my body aren't in agreement on the subject. There must be something that I can do. I haven't wrapped my brain around it yet, but if I keep it up I know I will.
In a perfect world I would only have to worry about school and studying right now. I wouldn't have to figure out ways to work as many hours as possible, go to school, pay the bills, spend time with my kids, keep up on their homework, have some time for myself, and of course sleep. Instead, I live in an imperfect world, where as a mother I still have a dream of going to school, of making enough money to be able to give my children a good life. I have three children who want time with their mother and do not fully understand that Mommy has so much to do. I can't live in a box so I have to work, and although my managers support my endeavor to obtain an education, they still require my presence and my full 110% at work.
Other Moms do this, I have seen it. What is the secret? I must know... it is so important that I discover just the right recipe for success. Wish me luck... now.. off to take a tiny nap.
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Monday, May 4, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Writers Block
I am really trying to make this blog interesting so that anyone who reads it doesn't die of boredom. Today I am really having a hard time thinking of anything that you would want to hear. I am not even able to rely on the usual chatter going on in my head to help me to fill the void. I am just .. well... blah. I am trying to balance my life like weights on a huge mental scale. Homework, dinner, kids, kids homework. Then there is laundry and groceries, work and believe it or not sometimes you have to sleep! I know that so many others out there are trying to do what I do, I would love to hear how you do it!!! Some days I just don't know how I am going to get through this! I don't want to cheat my kids so at times I think about just going back to work full-time; but I don't want to cheat myself either so I don't want to give up school. I know that there is a way to get this all done short of developing super powers!
My mother had 6 children and successfully managed to raise us without going insane. I have 3 kids but still can't seem to get it together! I know that I work and go to school, but my mother - self feels like she should be able to pull it all off without a hitch. I know it sounds like I am whining.. who knows, maybe I am. I am not trying to, I just need to vent. I need to empty out the stress and worries so that something productive can find room to put down roots in my frazzled brain.
My mother had 6 children and successfully managed to raise us without going insane. I have 3 kids but still can't seem to get it together! I know that I work and go to school, but my mother - self feels like she should be able to pull it all off without a hitch. I know it sounds like I am whining.. who knows, maybe I am. I am not trying to, I just need to vent. I need to empty out the stress and worries so that something productive can find room to put down roots in my frazzled brain.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Motherhood Lessons
I am a mom, not just a title that I wear, I am a mother. I need some fine tuning for sure.. but I am working on that. One thing that I have learned about motherhood is that God is good enough to give you life lessons just when you didn't know that you needed them. Last night we followed our usual routine, rush home, eat whatever I can throw together, sit down and try to muddle through elementary school homework, baths and bed... ah... deep breath. Then we start the long line of times that my youngest Aidan will get out of bed and ask for water, or come into the living room just to tell me that she got up to go potty or that she can't sleep. With all the stresses of the day I usually am feeling pretty uptight and tired and fried at this time, which leads to some unpleasant sniping on my part whenever Aidan pulls this stuff. I am usually in a dark mood by the time I actually attempt to study for my own homework. I am tired and cranky and muddled and wondering "what was I thinking when I thought I could do this?". Mercifully last night was different.
The evening started the same, but somewhere in the middle something changed. I was dealing with putting the kids to bed, which is usually like pulling teeth without Novocaine, when I had an AH moment. I kissed each child and hugged them too, fielded questions on whether they could watch TV for "just a little bit" before bed and asked if they had brushed their teeth. I got to Aidan's bed and hugged her and kissed her, when I went to pull away she held me close and said "Mommy, I miss you". I stopped.. dead in my tracks. I realized that there was so much in those four little words. A little 5 year old girl lost in the shuffle. Always trying to stay out of the way, but fighting not to be forgotten. I felt ashamed of how I always ask her in my exasperated tone to "PLEASE play in your room" or "Aidan can you play magic fairy princess somewhere else?" or the one that cut the most, "Mommy, I made this beautiful picture just for YOU! Do you like it?" to which I gave a distracted "uh-huh" while trying to read for a test. I realized in that moment that my little crazy bundle of energy wasn't a nuisance, she was a wonderful addition to my family, maybe I didn't want her to hurry up and grow out of this stage maybe she was perfect where she was.
Instead of prying her little arms off my neck and begging her to please go to sleep so that I could actually get something done, I asked her if she thought that her stuffed animal friends would mind one more in the bed. It warmed my heart the way she silently asked them and then told me it was "cool with them". I crawled into the tiny space she made just for me. We covered up in her pink blankets and snuggled close. She stroked my face and said, "Mommy, I love you, You are my very best friend!" There it was, the perfect phrase to unlock tear ducts. I whispered in a voice thick with tears, "Aidan you are my best friend too", and I meant it. "Thank you God" I thought as I held her close and listened to her breathe. "Thank you for this child, thank you for letting me be her mother". I felt her small body in my arms and tried to memorize how it felt for times when she wouldn't feel the same. In that moment, homework and my job and bills and anything else seemed so insignificant. I prayed that God would help me remember that she was not to be put in the background of my life. It hit me like bricks that someday she would be grown and I would wish for more memories of times like this and so I must change before it was too late. I was so thankful for that precious moment with my baby, my little girl. Her breathing was slow so I knew she had fallen asleep, peacefully, no fight needed. I was in no hurry to let her go, so I lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks into her soft golden hair. I listened to the chorus of my three beautiful children breathing in their sleep, and again thanked God for motherhood lessons. I could study later, blessings come first.
The evening started the same, but somewhere in the middle something changed. I was dealing with putting the kids to bed, which is usually like pulling teeth without Novocaine, when I had an AH moment. I kissed each child and hugged them too, fielded questions on whether they could watch TV for "just a little bit" before bed and asked if they had brushed their teeth. I got to Aidan's bed and hugged her and kissed her, when I went to pull away she held me close and said "Mommy, I miss you". I stopped.. dead in my tracks. I realized that there was so much in those four little words. A little 5 year old girl lost in the shuffle. Always trying to stay out of the way, but fighting not to be forgotten. I felt ashamed of how I always ask her in my exasperated tone to "PLEASE play in your room" or "Aidan can you play magic fairy princess somewhere else?" or the one that cut the most, "Mommy, I made this beautiful picture just for YOU! Do you like it?" to which I gave a distracted "uh-huh" while trying to read for a test. I realized in that moment that my little crazy bundle of energy wasn't a nuisance, she was a wonderful addition to my family, maybe I didn't want her to hurry up and grow out of this stage maybe she was perfect where she was.
Instead of prying her little arms off my neck and begging her to please go to sleep so that I could actually get something done, I asked her if she thought that her stuffed animal friends would mind one more in the bed. It warmed my heart the way she silently asked them and then told me it was "cool with them". I crawled into the tiny space she made just for me. We covered up in her pink blankets and snuggled close. She stroked my face and said, "Mommy, I love you, You are my very best friend!" There it was, the perfect phrase to unlock tear ducts. I whispered in a voice thick with tears, "Aidan you are my best friend too", and I meant it. "Thank you God" I thought as I held her close and listened to her breathe. "Thank you for this child, thank you for letting me be her mother". I felt her small body in my arms and tried to memorize how it felt for times when she wouldn't feel the same. In that moment, homework and my job and bills and anything else seemed so insignificant. I prayed that God would help me remember that she was not to be put in the background of my life. It hit me like bricks that someday she would be grown and I would wish for more memories of times like this and so I must change before it was too late. I was so thankful for that precious moment with my baby, my little girl. Her breathing was slow so I knew she had fallen asleep, peacefully, no fight needed. I was in no hurry to let her go, so I lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks into her soft golden hair. I listened to the chorus of my three beautiful children breathing in their sleep, and again thanked God for motherhood lessons. I could study later, blessings come first.
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