Motherhood Lessons

I am a mom, not just a title that I wear, I am a mother. I need some fine tuning for sure.. but I am working on that. One thing that I have learned about motherhood is that God is good enough to give you life lessons just when you didn't know that you needed them. Last night we followed our usual routine, rush home, eat whatever I can throw together, sit down and try to muddle through elementary school homework, baths and bed... ah... deep breath. Then we start the long line of times that my youngest Aidan will get out of bed and ask for water, or come into the living room just to tell me that she got up to go potty or that she can't sleep. With all the stresses of the day I usually am feeling pretty uptight and tired and fried at this time, which leads to some unpleasant sniping on my part whenever Aidan pulls this stuff. I am usually in a dark mood by the time I actually attempt to study for my own homework. I am tired and cranky and muddled and wondering "what was I thinking when I thought I could do this?". Mercifully last night was different.
The evening started the same, but somewhere in the middle something changed. I was dealing with putting the kids to bed, which is usually like pulling teeth without Novocaine, when I had an AH moment. I kissed each child and hugged them too, fielded questions on whether they could watch TV for "just a little bit" before bed and asked if they had brushed their teeth. I got to Aidan's bed and hugged her and kissed her, when I went to pull away she held me close and said "Mommy, I miss you". I stopped.. dead in my tracks. I realized that there was so much in those four little words. A little 5 year old girl lost in the shuffle. Always trying to stay out of the way, but fighting not to be forgotten. I felt ashamed of how I always ask her in my exasperated tone to "PLEASE play in your room" or "Aidan can you play magic fairy princess somewhere else?" or the one that cut the most, "Mommy, I made this beautiful picture just for YOU! Do you like it?" to which I gave a distracted "uh-huh" while trying to read for a test. I realized in that moment that my little crazy bundle of energy wasn't a nuisance, she was a wonderful addition to my family, maybe I didn't want her to hurry up and grow out of this stage maybe she was perfect where she was.
Instead of prying her little arms off my neck and begging her to please go to sleep so that I could actually get something done, I asked her if she thought that her stuffed animal friends would mind one more in the bed. It warmed my heart the way she silently asked them and then told me it was "cool with them". I crawled into the tiny space she made just for me. We covered up in her pink blankets and snuggled close. She stroked my face and said, "Mommy, I love you, You are my very best friend!" There it was, the perfect phrase to unlock tear ducts. I whispered in a voice thick with tears, "Aidan you are my best friend too", and I meant it. "Thank you God" I thought as I held her close and listened to her breathe. "Thank you for this child, thank you for letting me be her mother". I felt her small body in my arms and tried to memorize how it felt for times when she wouldn't feel the same. In that moment, homework and my job and bills and anything else seemed so insignificant. I prayed that God would help me remember that she was not to be put in the background of my life. It hit me like bricks that someday she would be grown and I would wish for more memories of times like this and so I must change before it was too late. I was so thankful for that precious moment with my baby, my little girl. Her breathing was slow so I knew she had fallen asleep, peacefully, no fight needed. I was in no hurry to let her go, so I lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks into her soft golden hair. I listened to the chorus of my three beautiful children breathing in their sleep, and again thanked God for motherhood lessons. I could study later, blessings come first.