Life sucks, but the benefits are good

I am having a day today. I am betting that there are many divorced moms out there that are. I absolutely hate dealing with my ex-husband. He has to make each and every thing that involves our daughter a nightmarish ordeal. I have been driving all the way to his house practically for over a year and recently I asked for the meeting place to be moved a little closer to halfway between our homes here in town.. a mere 5 blocks away from his home. No can do.. evidently our divorce papers from when we lived in Bolivar say that if we can't agree on a meeting spot that it defaults to Bolivar. Can you believe that? So of course because I asked him and heaven forbid that he actually cooperate with anything that I ask for, he refused to meet me at the new spot. He demanded that since I didn't want to drive where he wanted that I would have to meet him in Bolivar. He even tried to call the Sheriff's Department and have action taken against me because I wasn't doing things his way. I am so mad right now!!! All the while, my little girl who I had cleaned and dressed pretty and ready to go was asking why he didn't want to come pick her up. How can I tell my baby girl that the reason is because he would rather jack with her mom than get her for his visitation? After driving 45 minutes to meet his unreasonable demands and having to bite my tongue at his self righteous smirking and jabs at my expense, I spent much of the night crying and emotionally spent from the whole mess. I considered several possibilities some of which considered hiring a hit man, I decided that I was just going to have to figure out how to raise money for a good lawyer. I just can't let him walk all over me for the rest of my life. I need to take a stand and show my daughter that I am not a doormat. I want to set a good example of compassion and love, but this is just too much! Plus she shouldn't have to see him treat me the way he does. So it is time, it is just time.

The Summer Crazies!!!

Summer... a time to relax, unwind.. and go crazy? Well Summer isn't exactly a slow lazy easy time for me anymore.. I have way too much swirling around in my fishbowl for that. I have a recurring nightmare that I will one day make the mistake of showing up at the wrong place on the wrong day. Show up to my afternoon class at 8 am instead of work, perhaps forget to pick the little one up from pre-school until you get home and realize that she isn't with you... Yeah, it is like that! I just need to get it all together. It hasn't been easy. In fact for the first time I am having to deal with heartburn!! Weird huh? I am so grateful for the chance to go to school. I am not however grateful for the chance to figure out how to make it until the fall semester loan disbursements are done. There was a glitch in the system with my summer student loan and I am not showing up in the system, so that means NO MONEY. What to do? More Tums please! Thank goodness it didn't happen with my loans for the Fall/Spring semester, what a mess that would have been. But even so.. kind of stressful for the family. Hopefully we can keep things going strong with out taking too much of a hit! Wish me luck ... and pass the Mylanta!!

I am struggling today with the weight of my own world on my shoulders. I don't mean to whine, but today it feels pretty heavy. I am trying to be a good mom, meet standards at my job, and actively learn at school. So far, it isn't going well. The sad part is this is only the beginning. It gets harder from here!! I am trying so hard to be a better time manager, but I am constantly thwarted in my attempts by one thing or another. There has to be a way to stop the madness!!!! If only my body would run 24/7 I wouldn't even have a problem! Unfortunately for me, my body breaks down on a regular basis instead of running hard and fast like I need it to. Keeping my head above water isn't as easy as I thought it would be! I have a plan though. I know that I need to cut out anything that isn't absolutely necessary, so I am starting to de-clutter my life. I really hope that it does the trick!
Staying in school is my dream and I intend to see it through! I just have to keep going and keep from giving up. I have so many supportive and encouraging people in my life. I know that I can do this, I just have to find the right formula! The saying goes 'where there is a will, there is a way'. I don't know who says it, but I believe it to be true. I just have to refine the focus of the will and find the way that works for me. Success is my only option!

Weekend Work

Working, tired, brain is dead, what else? I can't think today.. but my head is so full!!! I have alot happening in my life right now and it makes my head spin! I am not saying that others don't have greater trials than mine, or even that my life is really unfortunate at all. I am merely commenting on the fact that when there is too much swirling around in my little pot that sometimes I get boggled and things boil over. I worked this weekend and I was so tired that I laid on the couch literally as soon as I came home and fell asleep. My poor kids made themselves some sandwiches and watched movies, read and played in their room. I didn't get any homework really done at all!! I still have laundry and dishes to do and we are hoping to be moving to a new apt next month and I haven't even started packing! I must be mis-managing my time somewhere. I blame the sleeping, but I am soo tired! I want to keep going when I get home, but then I get there and I just need to rest. I am really frustrated right now because I have so much that I need to get done. I have deadlines! I tell myself that I just need to push past it, work harder. Lately my will and my body aren't in agreement on the subject. There must be something that I can do. I haven't wrapped my brain around it yet, but if I keep it up I know I will.
In a perfect world I would only have to worry about school and studying right now. I wouldn't have to figure out ways to work as many hours as possible, go to school, pay the bills, spend time with my kids, keep up on their homework, have some time for myself, and of course sleep. Instead, I live in an imperfect world, where as a mother I still have a dream of going to school, of making enough money to be able to give my children a good life. I have three children who want time with their mother and do not fully understand that Mommy has so much to do. I can't live in a box so I have to work, and although my managers support my endeavor to obtain an education, they still require my presence and my full 110% at work.
Other Moms do this, I have seen it. What is the secret? I must know... it is so important that I discover just the right recipe for success. Wish me luck... now.. off to take a tiny nap.

Writers Block

I am really trying to make this blog interesting so that anyone who reads it doesn't die of boredom. Today I am really having a hard time thinking of anything that you would want to hear. I am not even able to rely on the usual chatter going on in my head to help me to fill the void. I am just .. well... blah. I am trying to balance my life like weights on a huge mental scale. Homework, dinner, kids, kids homework. Then there is laundry and groceries, work and believe it or not sometimes you have to sleep! I know that so many others out there are trying to do what I do, I would love to hear how you do it!!! Some days I just don't know how I am going to get through this! I don't want to cheat my kids so at times I think about just going back to work full-time; but I don't want to cheat myself either so I don't want to give up school. I know that there is a way to get this all done short of developing super powers!
My mother had 6 children and successfully managed to raise us without going insane. I have 3 kids but still can't seem to get it together! I know that I work and go to school, but my mother - self feels like she should be able to pull it all off without a hitch. I know it sounds like I am whining.. who knows, maybe I am. I am not trying to, I just need to vent. I need to empty out the stress and worries so that something productive can find room to put down roots in my frazzled brain.