Faith and Other Things

My children are growing up so fast! I am so proud of them for all that they have become. I recently started going back to church. I really thought that it was a needed change in my life. I definitely think it is good for my children. Faith in God was very fundamental to me in my childhood and my kids have missed out on alot of those experiences in the last few years. I have really enjoyed getting back to my roots and the kids really seem to be fitting well too! In fact they are preparing for baptism in the next few weeks. The baptism date is set for May 30th. I am very proud of them for making the decision on their own. I know that it is a very grown up choice to make and they asked the questions, did the research, and made the decision all on their own! I am proud of their faith and their desire to accept Christ in their lives and hearts. I am so proud!!

So It is Time to Begin!!!

So, it is Friday night and I am getting ready to begin my new exercise regimen and personal journey!! My weigh-ins will be in the mornings and I will weigh in on Mondays and Saturdays. I will work out a minimum of 4 days a week. I am going cold turkey off the soda and trying to avoid fatty or sugary foods. I also will be seriously upping my water consumption. Wish me luck!!!

Bedtime Issues

Why do children have to try your very last nerve when one nerve is all you have left?? I am telling you .. daughters can be such handfuls! I love my wild, crazy, rambunctious girls. I just wish that they would go to bed at night without a huge fiasco! I have to go in the room a hundred times to make them go to bed. First they haven't brushed their teeth like I asked, then they are still in their street clothes, and finally they need to go to the bathroom or get a drink! Arrgghhhh!!! I have a few hairs missing right now because I pulled them out!!
Now, I may possibly be the only mother out there with bedtime angst, but I am guessing that I am not. I would gladly welcome any suggestions short of drugging them with something, to get these girls in bed at a decent hour!

I am struggling today with the weight of my own world on my shoulders. I don't mean to whine, but today it feels pretty heavy. I am trying to be a good mom, meet standards at my job, and actively learn at school. So far, it isn't going well. The sad part is this is only the beginning. It gets harder from here!! I am trying so hard to be a better time manager, but I am constantly thwarted in my attempts by one thing or another. There has to be a way to stop the madness!!!! If only my body would run 24/7 I wouldn't even have a problem! Unfortunately for me, my body breaks down on a regular basis instead of running hard and fast like I need it to. Keeping my head above water isn't as easy as I thought it would be! I have a plan though. I know that I need to cut out anything that isn't absolutely necessary, so I am starting to de-clutter my life. I really hope that it does the trick!
Staying in school is my dream and I intend to see it through! I just have to keep going and keep from giving up. I have so many supportive and encouraging people in my life. I know that I can do this, I just have to find the right formula! The saying goes 'where there is a will, there is a way'. I don't know who says it, but I believe it to be true. I just have to refine the focus of the will and find the way that works for me. Success is my only option!

It's About Time

I am taking on a new challenge. I am doing something for me! I have gained alot of weight since I met my husband and it hasn't dropped off. I have recently decided to take charge. Lately life has been taking charge of me. I have been a walking stress ball. It has been crazy! I don't get good sleep, I eat at weird times, my study time is not as productive as it should be, there is so much going on! I have begun to notice that my body is not handling all this well. So I have decided to try to help. I know that it won't be easy becuase I have really gotten out of the habit of being healthy, but I know I can do it! I am going to start keep my stats on here so that I can keep myself accountable. I know that alot of people don't read my blog.. but for the two of you who do, well I am still doing something unusual by admiting to my flaws. I did my starting weigh in today and I am starting at 206 pounds. I want to reach my goal of 150 pounds. I have only 56 pounds to go!!

What is Love worth?

What is love worth? How do you know if it is really love? You can't be sure sometimes it seems. The fairy-tales will tell you that love should be perfect and amazing from start to finish. The modern day world would tell you that love is eternal, but if the fun wears off then you move on to a new love. So which one is it? Is love forever or disposable? I don't know sometimes. I have my own situation that doesn't make sense. I am in love myself. I am in a marriage but live like a single mother. I am in love with my husband, but we can't seem to stand to live together. I am not fond of his children because of being burned time and time again. He doesn't care for my children becuase they aren't his own. The question is, what do I do?? We keep holding on, but my question is.. what are we holding on to? Will we finally be able to move back in together someday? I don't know how to work this all out? I don't know how to have a relationship with children that don't even care if I exist, or a husband who thinks they can do no wrong even if it is a dividing factor to us. I dont dislike them entirely, I just have so many negative incidents in my marriage that have come about because of them that I just have a hard time getting close to them knowing that I am just a fly in thier ointment so to speak. My kids aren't perfect, I know this. I have to rein them in all the time... I just dont appreciate a spouse that won't give any of us a chance. With all this you might ask, why do you love him so much. The answer is.. I don't know. I have no control over that part of how I feel. I can't seem to stop loving him even if we don't always agree or if we have problems that seem too hard to solve.. I just don't know. So again my question, what is love worth? Is it worth crying sometimes and hurting sometimes and not really knowing what the future holds? I don't know that answer yet. I guess I will have to wait and see.

Letter To Me

I am taking this time to write a letter to me, to remind myself of those things that I feel are most important.

Dear Present Self,

As I look back on my life today I see so many things that I would have changed. I wish that I had a way to go back and change all that I did wrong. I wish that there were band-aids for life. I know that there is so much happening to you all at once right now and you don't always know what to do. I know that at times you feel alone and scared of failing those you love. I know that you are worried that you don't have what it takes. Well I am here to tell you that you do. I know that you might not believe it now, but keep working, don't give up. I can promise you that this time in your life is time well spent. Stick to your plan. Do not give up on your dream!
I know that you worry about the kids. It is true what has happened in the last few years hasn't been easy on them, but you did the best you could to protect them and provide what they needed to have a good life. It isn't always things that make a home. It is love, remember? Your parents said the same thing. You have wonderful children. You need to relax and remind yourself each day to hug and kiss them and stop what you are doing for 15 minutes and spend that time with the children. They won't always be so small you know.
Stop worrying about what people think. You ARE good enough. You ARE smart enough. You ARE worthy of this. I know that sometimes you struggle, but like your dad says, "Dirt only becomes Diamonds under heat and pressure". You are being refined at this very moment. You are becoming the best version of yourself. Give it some time to work.
You have so many people around you that care about you. I know that you feel alone and lonely at times. You may feel lonely but you are definitely not alone. Remember that you have a whole network of people who care about your success from family to friends and even teachers. Block out the noise of naysayers, and surround your self with positive influences. You have what you need to make it in this effort. I believe in you and even if you can't always hear me I am always cheering you on. I know that someday you will meet me and realize that you and I were the same all along. Until that day comes, listen to that whisper in your mind telling you that the future looks bright and you have so much going for you! Keep going! You are winning the race!

Sincerely,
Future Self

Weekend Work

Working, tired, brain is dead, what else? I can't think today.. but my head is so full!!! I have alot happening in my life right now and it makes my head spin! I am not saying that others don't have greater trials than mine, or even that my life is really unfortunate at all. I am merely commenting on the fact that when there is too much swirling around in my little pot that sometimes I get boggled and things boil over. I worked this weekend and I was so tired that I laid on the couch literally as soon as I came home and fell asleep. My poor kids made themselves some sandwiches and watched movies, read and played in their room. I didn't get any homework really done at all!! I still have laundry and dishes to do and we are hoping to be moving to a new apt next month and I haven't even started packing! I must be mis-managing my time somewhere. I blame the sleeping, but I am soo tired! I want to keep going when I get home, but then I get there and I just need to rest. I am really frustrated right now because I have so much that I need to get done. I have deadlines! I tell myself that I just need to push past it, work harder. Lately my will and my body aren't in agreement on the subject. There must be something that I can do. I haven't wrapped my brain around it yet, but if I keep it up I know I will.
In a perfect world I would only have to worry about school and studying right now. I wouldn't have to figure out ways to work as many hours as possible, go to school, pay the bills, spend time with my kids, keep up on their homework, have some time for myself, and of course sleep. Instead, I live in an imperfect world, where as a mother I still have a dream of going to school, of making enough money to be able to give my children a good life. I have three children who want time with their mother and do not fully understand that Mommy has so much to do. I can't live in a box so I have to work, and although my managers support my endeavor to obtain an education, they still require my presence and my full 110% at work.
Other Moms do this, I have seen it. What is the secret? I must know... it is so important that I discover just the right recipe for success. Wish me luck... now.. off to take a tiny nap.

Old Friends

I am enjoying Facebook. I know it sounds so corny, but really the site has helped me to find and reconnect with many long lost friends. I am excited each time I find another kindred spirit from my past. I haven't been great about staying in contact with friends from childhood and school, but I am trying to change that! I am sending messages and making comments and doing my best to keep contact with my recently rediscovered friends! I love it! I have gotten to see how their lives turned out. I enjoy pictures of their families and the stories of their lives! We have all changed in varied ways but we are all still us and I love that too! I enjoy chatting about what we have all been doing for the past few years and getting caught up on what their family life is like and what their kids are doing, it is great! I don't always contribute much on my end, but I really enjoy all the activities of my friends and family!

Parenthood... and other mysteries

Parenthood, it's fun, tiring, complicated and crazy. You have your ups and downs. Lately it seems like alot of downs, so I am very ready for my fair share of ups! My kids all seem to go through their drama at once, it makes me feel like my stress gland is going to explode!! My 5 year old is going through a major attitude issue right now. She doesn't want to listen, and the fits.. oh the fits are more than any mom can handle!! Sometimes I just want to have a kid sale and see how much I can get for her! But then she wraps her arms around me and snuggles close and tells me how much she loves me which of course makes the whole world right again! It is funny how when the kids are driving me crazy I need a break, but when they are gone I miss them like crazy!
I have some changes I need to make with how I run my ship.. I have to figure out how to be more organized and how to better mange my time. I have a better idea of what life is like while in school, so what I need to do now is to re-invent my plan. I have been trying to do things the way I always have, but with our new way of life it isn't working. I always seem to be running behind!! So I have been writing ideas down, trying new things out, and taking advice from all the moms I admire. Hopefully life will be more streamline in the future and that will allow for a better relationship with my kids!!! I miss getting to have fun with them! I love being a mom, I just have to get all the kinks worked out!!