School

I am frustrated about school today. I am attempting to make out my schedule of classes and I have to admit that I am more than a bit frustrated. I am trying to figure out how to juggle my classes and my kids and my job. No matter what I do to twist my schedule around it just isn't perfect. I will have to have some kind of compromise somewhere. Arrgghhh!!!! I hate to complain because I am really grateful to be in school.. but ARRGHH!!! Seriously I need an EASY button from Staples!
I have to give a shout out to all of the other students that are trying to better their lives while still trying to fully support themselves and possibly a family as well. It isn't easy and I think that we should start some type of support group or club or something to give people someone to talk to or relate to during all this. I mean wouldn't you want someone who could understand what you are going through? I know I would! My family does a great job, but I hate to vent to them. My parents do so much to help me but I don't want them to worry just because I need to talk about something that is stressing me. A support group would be just the thing!
I am sure that someday I will look back on all this and think it wasn't so bad, but right now I am cranky and tired so it is! Oh well, it is all for a good cause.. my family's future that is!

Writers Block

I am really trying to make this blog interesting so that anyone who reads it doesn't die of boredom. Today I am really having a hard time thinking of anything that you would want to hear. I am not even able to rely on the usual chatter going on in my head to help me to fill the void. I am just .. well... blah. I am trying to balance my life like weights on a huge mental scale. Homework, dinner, kids, kids homework. Then there is laundry and groceries, work and believe it or not sometimes you have to sleep! I know that so many others out there are trying to do what I do, I would love to hear how you do it!!! Some days I just don't know how I am going to get through this! I don't want to cheat my kids so at times I think about just going back to work full-time; but I don't want to cheat myself either so I don't want to give up school. I know that there is a way to get this all done short of developing super powers!
My mother had 6 children and successfully managed to raise us without going insane. I have 3 kids but still can't seem to get it together! I know that I work and go to school, but my mother - self feels like she should be able to pull it all off without a hitch. I know it sounds like I am whining.. who knows, maybe I am. I am not trying to, I just need to vent. I need to empty out the stress and worries so that something productive can find room to put down roots in my frazzled brain.

Free-Write / What are you Passionate about?

What am I passionate about? Well, there are so many things that I am very interested in, but I would have to say that one thing that I am truly passionate about is my work. I don't mean just my job, but my work. I currently work as a therapy tech for a rehabilitation facility. Each day I work with people of different ages and conditions in a setting that promotes healing and activity. I assist the therapists in treating the patients , I keep the therapy area clean and organized, and I make sure the patients are on time to their treatments and organize patient schedules for the following day. I love what I do, but I want even more.
I am in school studying to be an Occupational Therapy Assistant. I want to do more than just assist; I want to treat the patients myself. I want to be involved more deeply in the care and treatment of the wonderful people I work with everyday.
I wonder if you might say that I am also passionate about the people themselves? I love my patients! I find something about each one that I can relate with or understand about them. That process of connection with patients has really allowed me to serve their needs more effectively. The career I am entering is very geared toward serving others. I love the opportunity to make a difference in someone elses life for the better.
I especially enjoy the geriatric population. The elderly age group has so much to share with those of my generation. I experience so many learning moments while working with them. I enjoy the words of wisdom, the patience, and the strength that my older patients show. Even though therapy can at times be painful, the patients are so brave. I am so proud to be involved in therapy and I am so thankful for the chance to help others! I am truly passionate about the work that I am allowed to do! I am thankful for the chance to find something that I can be passionate about. Once you truly find your passion, you have found yourself!

A Very Private Public Thank - You

I am writing tonight about a very special someone. No, not who you might think. It isn't my husband, my children, my parents or my friends. I am writing about my college English Professor. Actually professor really isn't the word I would pick for to describe her, she is my Teacher. I think that is a word she would like better. My English teacher is quite a lady. I am sure that she doesn't know that I have this particular opinion of her and that is folly on my part. Maybe she will read this and come to know, or maybe I will just send it to her so that she can see what I am too shy to say to her face. I think she is wonderful and I admire her very much. I enjoy her wisdom and to tell the truth, envy her a bit. She is educated, classy, well spoken and attractive. She carries herself with the air of someone who is comfortable in their own skin, and likes the person that she is. I wish I felt that way about myself, maybe that is why I enjoy being in her presence, as some of her charm might come my way. I enjoy her class very much She has made me want to write. I still don't feel very comfortable at it, that will take more time, but I finally feel like I should express myself. I have always kept my thoughts to myself, thinking no one cared to hear them. Mrs. A has shown me that sometimes you write just for you and the audience will find you . I have learned that words hold so much more power than I ever thought. I like her little anecdotes for life, I hope that I can remember all of them so that I can use them! I like the class so much that I actually speak out in class which I am NEVER comfortable doing. I wish I didn't struggle so much at times with the assignments. I am not very confident in my ability to interpret what she expects from an assignment, but I do try. I wish that I had an excuse to take another English class, but sadly I do not. Maybe I will be privileged enough to keep in contact with her in some manner after my time in her class has passed. I hope so. If you get the chance to read this Mrs. A., Thank you so much for teaching me. Thank you for helping me to grow. Thanks for taking the time to help a withered overwhelmed 30 something mom feel like a real college student. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

Things You Might Think About on a Tuesday

It was just another Tuesday at work, I stay pretty busy every day that I work. I have a lengthy list of projects to keep me busy aside from working with my patients. I am hopping from the time I walk in the doors until I leave each evening. I love how quickly my day goes by, I like my co-workers and my bosses, and I love my patients. I have to say that my patients are probably my favorite most amazing part of what I do. I always try to find something about each and every person that joins our facility that I can relate to. I love getting to know these special people from all walks of life. One such person is a especially lovely lady who I will call Bess. Bess is wracked by pain and muscle spasms. She suffers from extreme contractures of the muscles, which is when your muscles are in a constant state of tension with no release. She has a severe skin condition and has been unable to walk or use her legs in over 4 years. She developed a bad infection in her spine and one hip that required strong antibiotics and invasive surgery. She has been through so much and yet her outlook is one of the best I have ever encountered. She is sunny and sweet and upbeat. Even with all that I do to be cheerful and attentive to each of my patients, Bess puts me to shame! I am amazed by this sweet, caring, tiny bit of a woman. No matter how many times I go to her room to get her for yet another session of therapy, she never complains. She is happy to see me and always has a good word to say about whatever we are doing that day. I know that her body is always in pain, and the pain medication she takes only reduces the pain she feels it doesn't take it completely away. Despite constant pain and several health problems, she never stops smiling!
The bar Bess sets is high. I look at myself and I can't help but ask, "Do I do each task I am given in a cheerful manner?", "Do I treat each person I meet kindly?", and "What kind of example do I set for others?'. I think it has really made me take a good look at myself. I know that it is hard sometimes to juggle what I do, but there is always someone who has more to bear. Who am I that the world should revolve around me. I am finding so much more fulfillment and happiness when it doesn't. I once read a quote by Mother Teresa, "Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier". I really think that Bess has mastered this task. I do not believe that anyone could spend time in her presence without leaving a little richer.

Free Writing - Significant Event

I have been lucky enough to have had many significant events in my life. I have made many mistakes and experienced many times of redemption. So, I guess you might say that for the good or the bad I have experienced significance in my life. One such event was the decision to go back to school. I have tried on more than one occasion to re-start my education. I have previously failed in my attempts. I wanted what I had decided was a life I deserved and I knew that it required a certain pay scale and education level to attain that status. Through some basic reasoning that calculated to one answer, an education was top priority. I knew that without a proper education with a certificate to prove it, that my dreams would be a moot point.
My first step was how to turn this dream into an actual reality. That took a bit more doing than I had expected. I had daydreamed on many occasions what my college experience would be like. What it actually was, now that was a different story. Having very little experience in a college setting before, I had no idea how to truly visualize what was in store for me!
I sat nervously and fidgety in the open loft-like room. Second floor, to the left, check in at the desk, the directions had been. I was thrilled that I had made it this far! The long walk from the parking lot was hard enough, and then there was what seemed like a slow death march up the stairs to the front doors of the Information Commons. I cleared my dry throat and tried to sound like I knew what I was doing when I asked the receptionist where I would begin my journey. Second floor, to the left, check in at the desk. Well, here I was. I had signed my name like so many others on a long list of those waiting, generic blue ink pen in shaking hand I scrawled my name across the blank space indicated. Why was it so hard to remember what my name was anyway? Why was I so nervous? Had the room lacked oxygen this much when I first entered? Did the fluorescent lights above me glare so hot and bright then? I squirmed around in the hard waiting room style chair that I had deposited myself into. I waited in the still air to hear my name called, to know that it was my turn. I heard the nervous rustlings of the others, the papers crinkling, throats clearing, impatient fidgeting just like me. I heard the clerks chatting cheerily in their cubicles, awaiting some silent signal, I imagined, that would alert them to our performance time. A test of our skills, that is what was required of us. A test to place me in my slot I had heard. I didn't know where I fit at this point. Was the room always this stuffy? The wait was becoming unbearable, I needed to think of something else. I began to count the tiles in the ceiling above me. 1, 2, 3, 46, and then I heard it, My name. My name! My turn had finally come!

Viva Las Vegas!

I got to spend a whole weekend with my favorite guy in fabulous Las Vegas!!! My husband and I have hit alot of rough patches in our relationship, it definitely isn't easy coming from previous failed marriages, bringing children into the mix and trying to create a family. We broke up and then got back together, we fought and made up.. it is a growing process. On top of that we have also had to deal with financial stress and other environmental factors in our lives. He had a major career change and we moved to Springfield. It wasn't easy for me to leave my cute little community where I had my comfort zone of friends, family and a good job. I made the decision to follow my husband and here we are. We let things come between us and we started to have alot of disagreements about kids and kid issues. The fighting and tension got progressively worse and we decided to separate. At first I wasn't sure how it was all going to work. We didn't talk about divorce, although we have before. We just gave each other space and let things go their way. We have been doing really well the last few weeks. It hasn't been an easy journey by any means, but we are still here. I love this man so much. I know that we mess up sometimes and say things we don't mean, but we always come right back to each other. We really are meant to be it seems. Anyway, I got the chance to join him on the Vegas trip he won through work! It was so exciting! He has earned his way into the top 2% of his company in sales. He was honored for this achievement with an all expense paid trip. I had never been to Vegas and I was so giddy to be experiencing it with him. It was a whirlwind weekend. The first night we had a formal dinner, with a live band and delicious food. The next day we got to float down the Colorado River!! That was AWESOME!!!! 4 hours on the water watching beautiful scenery and taking in the wonder of new surroundings. I enjoyed being with my guy through all this. I love to travel and with school and kids and work this is was just what the Doctor ordered!!! We had to head out on Sunday morning, so the trip wasn't terribly long, but it was still a good time! I got to walk the strip and take pictures of the lights, check out the shows at all the sights and sounds of Las Vegas. On the way home things got a bit messy, our flight was cancelled, we got to spend a night in a hotel, catch another flight out the next day and miss school and work.. at least I did. But all in all, we had a good time, I got to see Vegas, and we did really well together.. so there is that!!!

Lost too Long

I got the best message on my MySpace page today! I reconnected with my very long long lost childhood best friend!! We first met when we were being screened for Kindergarten and we were best friends from then on. She moved away for a short time when we were in second grade and I was devastated. I used to have dreams that I would see her somewhere and we would reconnect. A couple of years later she moved back to our hometown and life was good! We shared so many growing up moments together. We went through childhood and the awkward tween stage. Right before we entered our teens my family moved to Wyoming. I lost contact with Angela and time passed. I moved on to a family and a busy life. Through the years I have often wondered about my good friend and I have even tried to find her in various ways without success. I finally just decided that she would be one of those people that you always wonder about and regret losing. Then, miracle of all miracles... there she was! I couldn't believe it!!! She found me! I got the best note from her, telling me that she had missed me too! She had been looking for me and had experienced the same frustrations and almost gave up! I am so glad that we have reconnected! She was my first best friend, and no one has ever replaced her in my life. I have had many good friends in my life, but she was so very special! I look forward to catching up with her and re-establishing our friendship!!!!

Nasty Weather

I hate this weather! It is bad enough that it is cold and rainy/snowy, but the fact that I had just gotten used to the beautiful weather we were enjoying.. well that makes it worse! I miss the sun! Where are my warm rays?? I need soft breezes, not freezing winds! I need beautiful spring! No in like a lion, out like a lamb business! I want a lamb going in and and lamb going out! I can't wait to go without a jacket and wear my flip flops! I want to start playing tennis at my local park again! I love the feel of the warm sun on my skin. I don't care that I am so fair that I shouldn't like the sun. So what if I get a few freckles.. what am I preserving myself for? So that I can become wrinkly someday from old age anyway? I wear sunscreen, maybe that isn't enough I don't know! I just love nice weather. I would love living somewhere tropical with balmy breezes all the time. I could get used to walking barefoot in warm sand, and reading a book while relaxing in a hammock swaying back and forth. I could definitely get used to sipping on margaritas and taking naps in the shade of a big umbrella while the surf laps at my toes. Yeah... I could see myself there. Jimmy Buffet knows what he is talking about.

Late Night Essay

So despite my best intentions here I am again doing my homework late at night on Sunday... Oh I tried to get it done early, every night I try, but only on occasion does that happen. I don't know how to micro-manage my time any tighter than I already do! I know that I could do better, because if there wasn't anything I could change then I would be perfect! I just haven't figured out just the right combo to fit dinner, conversation with my kids to stay connected, homework for all three of them, dishes, laundry, snuggle time, exercise, bills, and my own homework all into a 4 to 5 hour period. Plus my body lets me down on a regular basis, falling asleep before my work is done, my brain shuts down on me, my eyelids droop, head starts to hurt. Doesn't my body know that I am running behind? Some nerve I tell you!
I am feeling pretty burnt out this semester. I think it is just because there is way too much going on in my life that I wasn't prepared for. I factored in school, work, and the kids school. I didn't plan for so much illness, and ex trouble, and that I would have to work so much to make ends meet. All that has added up to make it way harder to learn than I had expected. I really really want to graduate from college, I am determined to stay, but I have a family to take care of and be responsible for. I have to get this right, I have to figure out a way to make it all flow smoothly! I just get so frustrated sometimes! I hate to be a whiner, but I want my chance too! I know that I am a mother and I need to work and to provide a home and food, but I don't want to work for $9.00 an hour forever, I want to have some savings set aside for the proverbial rainy day, I want more than to live from one paycheck to another and having those paychecks not even be enough. There are so many others out there like me, and I am not saying that they are doing anything wrong, but I have only myself and my children to think about in that sense and I have to make my own changes if I ever expect the world situation to improve. So, keep your fingers crossed for me, that my homework gets done, that I receive a decent grade, that my kids don't go hungry and that I can pay my bills and sleep in my bed one more month because I was able to make rent. I know that I have this to do... just keep finding the strength to pull it off that is the key.