Hot Chocolate Anyone??

Fall is firmly upon us! It might not even be fall... it could be early winter. It is sooo cold! But on the other hand it is my favorite "clothing time" of the year! Sweaters, hoodies, cute jeans and ... wait for it.. boots!!! Fall leaves, seeing your breath, holidays right around the corner... hot cocoa anyone? I don't just love this time of year because my name is Autumn. There is a definite shift in the atmosphere. You can almost smell the bonfires and see the glow of fire-toasted marshmallows. Ahh... daylight savings time? I don't think so... it is pumpkin pies and afternoon hibernation!!

Remembering September 11th

I don't even know where to begin to talk about this day. Never in my life did I ever think I would see anything like what happened in New York that day. Life has gone on and much has happened since that fateful day in September 2001, but like one news reporter said,"You will not forget this day".
I first heard word of a plane hitting the north tower as I pulled into the parking lot of my job that morning. What I first thought was some kind of sick radio hoax turned out to be a world event that would forever change my life and rob me of my innocence. I stood with my colleagues glued to the break room television as we watched in shock as the world crumbled. How could this happen? I thought as I stood there, tears running down my cheeks. WE are AMERICA! WE are the most powerful nation in the world! How could something like this happen to US? In that moment I felt very small and very vulnerable. No place was safe, fear set in and I began to feel like I was waiting on Armageddon. As I watched the fires consuming the towers, I saw desperation in the faces of the rescue crews trying to conquer the monster. To my horror I saw that there were people actually jumping from 80 floors up to escape the flames! I broke down sobbing. I couldn't breathe. What must it be like I thought to be so hopeless and afraid that you would commit an act like that. Those poor souls. To this day I cannot erase the image of that moment. I refuse to give credence to any of the monsters who caused this disaster to happen. I still feel intense sadness for those lost and those who lost during this time. I also feel sad for our country to have experienced such a tragic loss of life. But as is our way we rose from the ashes, I hope that the American people never forget. I hope that always we remember what we are made of, what we can endure. Unite Americans! Remember patriotism! Remember love of country! Never forget who we are! Always be grateful for every blessing!

3 Day Weekend!!!

Yay! Finally a 3 day weekend for me!! Usually it is only a dream. Either the kids or I have something going and it really isn't 3 days off! But this time I have the weekend AND Labor Day off and the kids are off school and it is my year to have Aidan for Labor Day so the planets have all aligned for a great weekend!!! I am so excited!! All my babies and me! A free day to have fun. I have the weekend to study and get my homework all done and then on Monday I get to let loose with the kiddos!!! So if you don't have this wonderful weekend off.. I do feel for you, but if you do.. Congrats and have a great time!!

And the Beat goes On.....

Well, we are still among the living! It has been two weeks of school and no one has cashed it in yet! haha! I know that for kids the beginning of school means an end to summer freedom, but to moms it can mean a return to a nice normal routine. Summer is nice with no homework and no worries, but I really like that my children have something constructive (and tiring) to do each day. I am glad that they are not wiling away their time playing video games and watching tv. I love hearing my children read and seeing the glow in their eyes when they pull an assignment from their backpacks that we worked on together and seeing that big smiley face that means the teacher liked our work! This year is a big one for us. My little one started kindergarten and now my little nest is empty until 3:30pm each day! What a crazy time in our lives right now! My kids and I are all in school at the same time. It is a source of constant merriment to my children that I have to do homework too! I do regret some things from my decision to return to school. I miss having time with my kids. I have really been trying so much harder to make "special time" just for them. In fact I finally got a 3 day weekend for Labor Day and we have it all blocked off just for us!! I am pretty excited. I finally get a chance to be in the drivers seat, not just let life drive me! Speaking of schedules.... it is a bit past my bedtime so I better wrap this up. more blogs to follow!!

A Real Grown-Up Mommy

Today I feel like a real Grown-up Mommy! You know, those mommies who DO cool things, like have friends over and co-coach the team. Young mommies are busy changing diapers and washing baby things, and learning. I have graduated to the next level! My youngest goes into Kindergarten in the fall and my older children are going to be 5th and 3rd graders respectively. Today the youngest is with her dad for part of her summer visitation, the middle is with a friend at the mall, and the oldest is playing video games and eating pizza in his room with his best friend.
Now that the kids are getting older and cementing more long-term friendships I am seeing a new side to my little chicks. I enjoy so much watching them plan their get-togethers with their pals. There has to be just the right outfit and the perfect snacks and activities to enjoy. Does this purse match my shoes? Can we see this movie? Ahhh.... motherhood is sweet! Even with the occasional outburst and the attitude that comes with the age, these are some good times in life my friends, good times!! I just earned my Grown-Up Mommy status... I think I'll have some ice cream!

Slow Death of Small Town Life

My husband and I attended the Bolivar Country Days Rodeo a few weeks ago. It was a warm, humid Missouri night, just right for a rodeo! I always look forward to the event each year. It is a chance to run into old friends, spend some time with the family, and enjoy a little piece of my childhood. As a child I went to rodeos often and I still enjoy watching the cowboys and cowgirls compete for the winning time. The grand entrance commenced and as we watched the parade of horses and riders carrying their banners high as the strains of "America The Beautiful" played over the loud speakers. I settled in to enjoy the show. Things didn't follow the usual schedule of events when the announcer informed the crowd that we would be taking a few moments for an announcement from the arena owner. We were all there together celebrating the 20th anniversary of Bolivar's Rodeo at the Diamond 'S' Arena. Kind of a big deal if you ask me. For 20 years the Stutenkemper family has organized and hosted a family friendly event with the town of Bolivar. Some of the people attending the event that night had been attending since they were younger and now were bringing their children. So you can imagine the surprise when the announcement came that this would be the last time that we would come to this particular place for this event. I felt a moment of sadness when I thought about how an era had ended. I will never get to bring my children again. Someday when I tell a story to my kids or grand kids I will be talking about the "good ol' days" and it will truly be a time and place that no longer exist. I thought for a moment that this happens alot, the death of small town America. The small simple things melt away and all we are left with is bright lights, big sights and sounds, and lots of glitz. This isn't your grandmother's childhood anymore. I guess that is way of things. I really hope that someday the trend turns back the other way. Bigger isn't always better. I'm just sayin.

Parents

I got the chance to spend some time with my parents tonight. I really truly enjoyed it! I love my mom and dad so very much, but these days it seems like I just don't see them as much as I would like. My long hours at work and school are a factor as well as distance. They live 45 minutes away from me so it is hard at times to get together. When I saw them this particular evening, I was given the news that my Dad has been dealing with some health problems recently. It is hard for me at times to accept that my parents are getting older and that someday I will have to be without them. I really don't like facing that reality at all. I was really grateful that I was able to give my parents some advice regarding the issues based on what I have learned through training at my job. I am thankful that my education and training has allowed me to contribute to preserving my fathers health. I know that someday I will be called upon to care for my parents in their later years and I accept that without a problem. I would consider it an honor. I hope that all my training in the healthcare field somehow makes a difference in the quality of life that my parents experience. I have the best mother and father in the world and it is only the very best for them!

Vacation? Why Yes Thank You!

I am ready to take a vacation! I love to travel and I wish that I got to do more. I have big plans to make different trips around the U.S. to see all the beautiful scenery that our country has to offer. Don't get me wrong, I would love to visit exotic locations as well, but I just think that if you want to experience culture, history and natural beauty look no farther than home! I finally got my chance to visit Disneyland in California and next in line is Disneyworld! I want to visit the east coast and see the historical locations I have always heard about in history classes. I also have always been interested in Native American culture so I look forward to traveling to areas of the states that are steeped in legends and traditions.
I also wouldn't mind making a trip to Hawaii as well. I have only seen the ocean a couple of times so that is a sight I would love to experience! White sandy beaches with blue ocean stretching out across the horizon? Oh yes I think so!

When the little ones head to school

The new school year is quickly approaching and so begins a new era for our family! My littlest munchkin goes off to Kindergarten this fall! I can't believe that she has grown so quickly! As I held her today I paid special attention to all the changes. Was she this heavy when she went to her Dad's last week? She definitely looks taller, I do believe. Has she always been so grown up? Ahh... I sigh, my little girl is quickly becoming less little. Maybe if I put a few pretty bows in her hair it will slow down the process? No, No.. it just isn't "cool" mom. Well then I will just take a few seconds longer to let her go from the hugs, and kiss her still plump cheeks a few extra times perhaps. Why do little ones grow so fast??
My other two children haven't made this any easier. My son has grown by leaps and bounds and informs me that this year he will need to be dropped off before we get to the school door, and my oldest daughter is more interested in the 'tween' clothing choices than the more girlie options that I would have picked. Training bras? Oh dear, I think maybe that is more training for Mommies that need a chance to get ready for the puberty that is coming. So many big changes this school year.
It hasn't even started and I already have a list of things to prepare for this school year! But when you are a working, schooling, crazy mom of three... well lists are your life and anything not planned a month in advance is just procrastination! To all you Moms out there.. I am so there!!! Good luck to you all! I know that I am going to need all I can get!

Semester Overload!

I am so ready for a break! I don't even care if it is only a couple of weeks. I am so burned out! There is just too much going on in life right now and although I hate to complain, well, it is really really hard to get it all done and stay sane at the same time!!! I am trying so hard to keep my head on straight but I am pretty sure I will have to make it stop spinning first!
I just can't wait to finish finals and breathe a sigh of relief! I just have to get there. I wish I could say that I am one of those students that runs down the homestretch, but alas, I am not. I usually drag myself wheezing and coughing across the finish line. So, with this semester drawing to a close I must say that it couldn't come too soon!!!!

Ahh... Lazy weekend?

I spent this weekend being lazy. Well, not really lazy by most people's standards but not nearly as bad as the weekend usually is for me, so yeah.. lazy. Don't you just love sleeping in? I can't usually sleep in too late, but hey if it goes past 5:30 then it is more sleep than I usually get the chance to get!!! Every moment spent doing what I want to do and not what I have to do is a true blessing in my book! I am truly grateful for my life at this point. I have a wonderful job that allows me to go to school, I am partaking of the chance to get an education, and I have the most wonderful family in all the wide world! My beautiful children are all healthy and whole, and I have a home to go to and food to eat. I took my little dog out for a walk in the sunshine today, worked on some homework that I have struggled over for a while but today my mind was clearer and it went much better. I love life! I love my family and my friends! I am so thankful to my Father in Heaven for this life he has given me! Lazy weekends? Yes, I'll take them!

Life sucks, but the benefits are good

I am having a day today. I am betting that there are many divorced moms out there that are. I absolutely hate dealing with my ex-husband. He has to make each and every thing that involves our daughter a nightmarish ordeal. I have been driving all the way to his house practically for over a year and recently I asked for the meeting place to be moved a little closer to halfway between our homes here in town.. a mere 5 blocks away from his home. No can do.. evidently our divorce papers from when we lived in Bolivar say that if we can't agree on a meeting spot that it defaults to Bolivar. Can you believe that? So of course because I asked him and heaven forbid that he actually cooperate with anything that I ask for, he refused to meet me at the new spot. He demanded that since I didn't want to drive where he wanted that I would have to meet him in Bolivar. He even tried to call the Sheriff's Department and have action taken against me because I wasn't doing things his way. I am so mad right now!!! All the while, my little girl who I had cleaned and dressed pretty and ready to go was asking why he didn't want to come pick her up. How can I tell my baby girl that the reason is because he would rather jack with her mom than get her for his visitation? After driving 45 minutes to meet his unreasonable demands and having to bite my tongue at his self righteous smirking and jabs at my expense, I spent much of the night crying and emotionally spent from the whole mess. I considered several possibilities some of which considered hiring a hit man, I decided that I was just going to have to figure out how to raise money for a good lawyer. I just can't let him walk all over me for the rest of my life. I need to take a stand and show my daughter that I am not a doormat. I want to set a good example of compassion and love, but this is just too much! Plus she shouldn't have to see him treat me the way he does. So it is time, it is just time.

The Summer Crazies!!!

Summer... a time to relax, unwind.. and go crazy? Well Summer isn't exactly a slow lazy easy time for me anymore.. I have way too much swirling around in my fishbowl for that. I have a recurring nightmare that I will one day make the mistake of showing up at the wrong place on the wrong day. Show up to my afternoon class at 8 am instead of work, perhaps forget to pick the little one up from pre-school until you get home and realize that she isn't with you... Yeah, it is like that! I just need to get it all together. It hasn't been easy. In fact for the first time I am having to deal with heartburn!! Weird huh? I am so grateful for the chance to go to school. I am not however grateful for the chance to figure out how to make it until the fall semester loan disbursements are done. There was a glitch in the system with my summer student loan and I am not showing up in the system, so that means NO MONEY. What to do? More Tums please! Thank goodness it didn't happen with my loans for the Fall/Spring semester, what a mess that would have been. But even so.. kind of stressful for the family. Hopefully we can keep things going strong with out taking too much of a hit! Wish me luck ... and pass the Mylanta!!

Writers Block

ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! I am supposed to be writing, blogging, editing essays, and I have nothing good to say!!!! So frustrating!!! I just needed to vent that! So, I am going to switch gears and do some Algebra homework and maybe, just maybe inspiration will come!

Pancakes for Dinner

Hello all! I am just having one of those days where there is never enough time in the day! To top it all off, my body is not cooperating with me and I am feeling pretty yucky. When I got home from the grind today I was faced with alot of homework, alot of housework, and a looming question... what is for dinner?? I looked in my cupboard and even though I had several choices there didn't seem to be much that wouldn't take a bit of effort. I finally resorted to the old standby that my mom used to use when she was feeling tired and needed a quick fix for meals, no I don't mean McDonalds, the answer was breakfast for dinner!
Now, my kids think that breakfast for dinner is a great idea! So, when I voiced that pancakes were on the menu for tonight I got no complaints. What a relief! So, yummy pancakes with a hint of cinnamon, happy kids munching away, and a tired but happy mom because I have accomplished one thing today!!

Icons Lost

I can't believe that we have lost so many well known personalities in the last few weeks! Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays and Michael Jackson. The news is full of remembrances, memorials, and latest breaking news of each piece of lives lost. I have reflected to myself as I take this all in that in the end it is all the same. It doesn't matter who you are or what fame you have acquired, you can't live forever.
I mean, who would want to right? Isn't part of what makes our will to live so strong the fact that our days are numbered? Supply and demand, our lives are worth so much more to us because we know that it won't last. So instead of living life on a hamster wheel, shouldn't we be living life to the fullest? I don't mean that we should go crazy, spend our life savings in one fell swoop, tell the whole world off, and Thelma and Louis ourselves off a cliff in a convertible. I simply mean that life is precious. This is a fact that will never ever change. With each child born into the world another integral part of life has begun to exist. We are all part of a greater plan, a plan that makes us all equally important. Although our passing may never be documented by a video montage, or broadcast across the nation, we will be missed. I have spent so many years waiting for the 'right moment' to live. Why? Do you have to take a huge vacation or spend a million dollars to be living? How about I take that extra moment to get one more hug from my kids, or take that fifteen minutes take them to the park. I can go ahead and let them have an ice cream cone, what will it really hurt? I don't intend to completely fall off track and fail to expect my children to follow the rules or have morals. I just think that maybe just maybe life is in the living and money and prestige isn't any part of that. I could just be saying that because I don't have any money and I want to feel that I have a chance at grabbing that elusive happiness that so many want. Maybe I just have big dreams. I want to make the most of what I have and to ensure that my children, family and friends know that I love them. I want to be nice because I want to even if it isn't popular. I want to be happy. I am working on that right now!! So to all of you who I love, go out and get some for yourselves! Get happy, get what you deserve. Love your families, love your friends. Go ahead, write your grandmother, call your mom, Live your life!!!

One More Grey Hair

I got the worst call tonight. I received that call that says that a child has been hurt, your child. I knew that at one point this call would come, I just didn't know when. My youngest daughter is with her father for summer break so I have to let her go for a week at a time all summer long when it is his turn again. I got a call from my ex-husband tonight telling me that my daughter had fallen and been knocked unconscious at his house. He was calling to get insurance information so that he could check her into the the ER. I wanted to know what was going on, but of course he wasn't keen to tell me. I rushed to the Hospital to be with my daughter. When I got there my ex was a pain as usual, but my daughter was thrilled to see me. She was scared but sound. She had a slight headache but her CT scan came back ok. I was so relieved to know that she was ok. I know how close a call it could have been. I am so thankful that it wasn't worse. While dealing with my ex is a pain in the backside on the best day, I would have gone through so much more to be there for my little girl. The look on her face when her mommy came through the door made it all worth it!!!

A day of thinking and rearranging....

I have been a bit down lately, I wanted certain things in my life to work out alot better than they have and when they didn't go my way.. well disappointment is the next step I suppose.... I know that life can't always be perfect and that happiness is what you make it so I guess I will just have to walk a different path for a while.
When I get like this my anecdote is to rearrange furniture. I know.. strange, but it helps. If you can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it, then you can't brain-storm a solution in the same room setting that the problem was created in.. at least that is my justification! I think alot of it is that sometimes when things happen we feel helpless and out of control and if I move some furniture around and create a new environment I feel like I am doing something. I feel like I get to decide the outcome or control something in my life. It really does help and I get to feel like I redecorated when I am done!

Math is Fun?

There has been no summer vacation for me this year. I am taking a summer math class to try to keep myself on track with my goal to apply for the OTA program in the Spring. I am also trying to revise some essays and not having much luck. There is alot of personal blah blah blah going on these days and then there is work. So it is a concoction that is hard to swallow sometimes. I need to work on my time management, but I am not sure what it is that I am supposed to manage. I have cut out everything I know to cut, and I use every second I can to study.. there just doesn't seem to be enough seconds. I have to say one thing, if nothing else College has been a lesson in self discipline. I have to keep myself on task at all times, and even then life doesn't always cooperate with me. But what is a girl to do? Keep your nose to the grindstone and work work work. As Dori says... " just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming"! So, I've got my suit on, and I am diving in!

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Good Morning!!!! Its my Birthday!!! I am officially 32 years old today!!! I know that some would say that turning 32 is nothing to sing about, but I choose to look at it differently. I have decided that 30 is the new 20, so I am just getting started!! I have alot going on in my life.. but I know that there is nowhere to go but UP!! I am keeping my smile on my face and a spring in my step. I know that the best is yet to come!

Weight Loss Challenge!

I am so excited! I have started a fitness plan! I went to the gym at the school and met with a fitness counselor to map out a plan for myself. I am really looking forward to all the activities! Zumba, Pilate's, Weight training, the works! I really think this is going to make the difference in my weight loss goals. My goal is 10 lbs every 6 weeks. I hope to lose 60 pounds in 6 months. I figure why not start with a lofty goal right? I am so ready to start my first class!!!! I have the shoes, I have the moves, I have the motivation!!! Let's go!!! Wish me luck!

Weekly Weigh-in

So... I did my weekly weigh- in and it was just plain depressing. 211lbs. I am up... not down! I am really struggling with getting into shape. I have perfect excuses.. school, kids and work.. but I don't want that! I want to be fit and to feel good. So, more work is in store I guess becuase what I am doing just isn't enough! I know that I can conquer this hurdle! I just have to work on it! I am really trying to do it the healthy way.. so I will just keep it up and I will succeed! I want to be thinner.. but most importantly.. I want to be healthy. I have done weightloss the quick way and put my body through hell. I am going through more of a lifestyle change these days. Wish me luck!

Your Never Too Old to Cry for Your Cat

I lost a great friend today. My cat of 6 years was struck by a car and killed. I am so sad, and yet I can't help but smile through my tears when I think of all the happiness that cat brought me. Patrick came into my life one warm sunny spring day in the hands of my younger brother. I was working in the kitchen when through the open window I heard my 11 year old brother calling my name loudly as he ran toward the house. I came out to see what all the ruckus was about, when he slid to a stop in front of me with his hands out in front of him. Inside those cupped hands was a tiny tiger striped kitten all fluffy and orangey-yellow. He was so new that his eyes were still fused shut and his tiny head still wiggled and bobbed when he tried to lift it. Patrick had been left or had scooted himself into a tool bucket in my parents barn and had become stuck. My brother was playing near the barn and heard the tiny cries coming from the bucket and investigated. So then the next step was to get help and that is where I came in. Nathan brought me this tiny little thing and said,"please save him, he has no momma!". I put my new baby in a little box of warm soft towels and started my research. I called my vet and poked around online for tips on how to care for a newborn kitten. I made a mad dash to Wal-mart to get tiny kitten bottles and milk replacer. When I arrived home I discovered that the nipples designed for newborn kittens were still too much of a mouthful for My newborn kitten. So, I rummaged around and found a tiny medicine dropper in a junk drawer and I fed my little Patrick his warmed milk every two hours a drop at a time.
Caring for Patrick was like having a baby all over again. I had the late night feedings, and then I had to massage his belly to get the air out. Kept him near my bed with a heat lamp nearby to keep him warm. When I went to work he stayed in a little box under the desk in my office. It was alot of work taking care of him, but I didn't mind, I was completely in love.
Over time Patrick grew from a tiny kitten to a huge yellow and orange striped tiger of a cat. He was regal and majestic; he ruled like a farm version of the king of beasts. He would hunt and stalk and dolefully watch his subjects from his perch on the front step but he was still my baby. Patrick was a prolific hunter and he loved to hunt in the woods across the road from my parents' farm. He had been living with my parents while I was saving up to have him de-clawed so that he could live in my apartment with the kids and I. He was a very large cat and I wanted to give the kids and our very small dog a fighting chance. The daily trek across the road would be Patrick's downfall. My wonderful father found him shortly after the accident and buried him next to my other companion Patches who I had since childhood and lost to kidney disease. I was so grateful to my Dad for taking the extra time and care, for knowing what it would mean to me. My mother came all the way to Springfield to tell me and held me while I cried out my grief over the loss of my sweet pet. I know to some this would seem silly, but Patrick was no ordinary cat. Patrick was a big part of my family, and his loss is felt strongly by every one of us. So here is to pets, friends, confidantes, companions.

Thinking Moments

I had the pleasure of spending some time with two of my younger brothers on Friday night. My two youngest brothers Nathan and Matthew came over which is always a welcome surprise. I love hanging out with my siblings and I enjoy my youngest brothers very much! I am so lucky that two teenage guys, 18 and 17 respectively, actually want to hang out with their 31 year old sister!
On this particular evening Nathan and I planned to go and see the new X-Men Origins film and my brother Matthew volunteered to watch my kids. I couldn't say no to that! We had a great time and after it was all said and done I drove the boys to my parents home roughly an hour away.
Since it was a Friday night my parents were both up even though it was getting a bit late, and my dad shared some unwelcome news with me. My sister had been run over by a car and was in the hospital recuperating from 3 fractured ribs and a punctured lung. I was shocked, and then I started to cry. I work in health care so I know just how close a call it was. I was so relieved that her injuries weren't worse, or even fatal. In the moments after I heard the news my mind was running a mile a minute. I realized that I hadn't talked to my sister in a year and hadn't seen her in two. I hadn't written or even sent a Christmas card. It wasn't that I hadn't mean to do those things, they just didn't ever happen. I love my sister, but we haven't always been close. In fact, when we were girls we fought quite a bit. We were very different and usually didn't see eye to eye. I haven't always agreed with her, but Carrie is my only sister and the realization that I could have lost her forever was frightening and overwhelming for me. In that moment I made a resolution to be more diligent in keeping up contact with family members that I don't see on a regular basis. I don't want to regret what I should have done. I am not perfect, but I know I need to at least improve if not perfect my communication with family. I am so grateful that Carrie is on the mend, and I am so thankful that she was spared. I am also thankful for a well needed wake-up call so that I can change my ways before it is too late!!

Faith and Other Things

My children are growing up so fast! I am so proud of them for all that they have become. I recently started going back to church. I really thought that it was a needed change in my life. I definitely think it is good for my children. Faith in God was very fundamental to me in my childhood and my kids have missed out on alot of those experiences in the last few years. I have really enjoyed getting back to my roots and the kids really seem to be fitting well too! In fact they are preparing for baptism in the next few weeks. The baptism date is set for May 30th. I am very proud of them for making the decision on their own. I know that it is a very grown up choice to make and they asked the questions, did the research, and made the decision all on their own! I am proud of their faith and their desire to accept Christ in their lives and hearts. I am so proud!!

So It is Time to Begin!!!

So, it is Friday night and I am getting ready to begin my new exercise regimen and personal journey!! My weigh-ins will be in the mornings and I will weigh in on Mondays and Saturdays. I will work out a minimum of 4 days a week. I am going cold turkey off the soda and trying to avoid fatty or sugary foods. I also will be seriously upping my water consumption. Wish me luck!!!

Bedtime Issues

Why do children have to try your very last nerve when one nerve is all you have left?? I am telling you .. daughters can be such handfuls! I love my wild, crazy, rambunctious girls. I just wish that they would go to bed at night without a huge fiasco! I have to go in the room a hundred times to make them go to bed. First they haven't brushed their teeth like I asked, then they are still in their street clothes, and finally they need to go to the bathroom or get a drink! Arrgghhhh!!! I have a few hairs missing right now because I pulled them out!!
Now, I may possibly be the only mother out there with bedtime angst, but I am guessing that I am not. I would gladly welcome any suggestions short of drugging them with something, to get these girls in bed at a decent hour!

I am struggling today with the weight of my own world on my shoulders. I don't mean to whine, but today it feels pretty heavy. I am trying to be a good mom, meet standards at my job, and actively learn at school. So far, it isn't going well. The sad part is this is only the beginning. It gets harder from here!! I am trying so hard to be a better time manager, but I am constantly thwarted in my attempts by one thing or another. There has to be a way to stop the madness!!!! If only my body would run 24/7 I wouldn't even have a problem! Unfortunately for me, my body breaks down on a regular basis instead of running hard and fast like I need it to. Keeping my head above water isn't as easy as I thought it would be! I have a plan though. I know that I need to cut out anything that isn't absolutely necessary, so I am starting to de-clutter my life. I really hope that it does the trick!
Staying in school is my dream and I intend to see it through! I just have to keep going and keep from giving up. I have so many supportive and encouraging people in my life. I know that I can do this, I just have to find the right formula! The saying goes 'where there is a will, there is a way'. I don't know who says it, but I believe it to be true. I just have to refine the focus of the will and find the way that works for me. Success is my only option!

It's About Time

I am taking on a new challenge. I am doing something for me! I have gained alot of weight since I met my husband and it hasn't dropped off. I have recently decided to take charge. Lately life has been taking charge of me. I have been a walking stress ball. It has been crazy! I don't get good sleep, I eat at weird times, my study time is not as productive as it should be, there is so much going on! I have begun to notice that my body is not handling all this well. So I have decided to try to help. I know that it won't be easy becuase I have really gotten out of the habit of being healthy, but I know I can do it! I am going to start keep my stats on here so that I can keep myself accountable. I know that alot of people don't read my blog.. but for the two of you who do, well I am still doing something unusual by admiting to my flaws. I did my starting weigh in today and I am starting at 206 pounds. I want to reach my goal of 150 pounds. I have only 56 pounds to go!!

What is Love worth?

What is love worth? How do you know if it is really love? You can't be sure sometimes it seems. The fairy-tales will tell you that love should be perfect and amazing from start to finish. The modern day world would tell you that love is eternal, but if the fun wears off then you move on to a new love. So which one is it? Is love forever or disposable? I don't know sometimes. I have my own situation that doesn't make sense. I am in love myself. I am in a marriage but live like a single mother. I am in love with my husband, but we can't seem to stand to live together. I am not fond of his children because of being burned time and time again. He doesn't care for my children becuase they aren't his own. The question is, what do I do?? We keep holding on, but my question is.. what are we holding on to? Will we finally be able to move back in together someday? I don't know how to work this all out? I don't know how to have a relationship with children that don't even care if I exist, or a husband who thinks they can do no wrong even if it is a dividing factor to us. I dont dislike them entirely, I just have so many negative incidents in my marriage that have come about because of them that I just have a hard time getting close to them knowing that I am just a fly in thier ointment so to speak. My kids aren't perfect, I know this. I have to rein them in all the time... I just dont appreciate a spouse that won't give any of us a chance. With all this you might ask, why do you love him so much. The answer is.. I don't know. I have no control over that part of how I feel. I can't seem to stop loving him even if we don't always agree or if we have problems that seem too hard to solve.. I just don't know. So again my question, what is love worth? Is it worth crying sometimes and hurting sometimes and not really knowing what the future holds? I don't know that answer yet. I guess I will have to wait and see.

Letter To Me

I am taking this time to write a letter to me, to remind myself of those things that I feel are most important.

Dear Present Self,

As I look back on my life today I see so many things that I would have changed. I wish that I had a way to go back and change all that I did wrong. I wish that there were band-aids for life. I know that there is so much happening to you all at once right now and you don't always know what to do. I know that at times you feel alone and scared of failing those you love. I know that you are worried that you don't have what it takes. Well I am here to tell you that you do. I know that you might not believe it now, but keep working, don't give up. I can promise you that this time in your life is time well spent. Stick to your plan. Do not give up on your dream!
I know that you worry about the kids. It is true what has happened in the last few years hasn't been easy on them, but you did the best you could to protect them and provide what they needed to have a good life. It isn't always things that make a home. It is love, remember? Your parents said the same thing. You have wonderful children. You need to relax and remind yourself each day to hug and kiss them and stop what you are doing for 15 minutes and spend that time with the children. They won't always be so small you know.
Stop worrying about what people think. You ARE good enough. You ARE smart enough. You ARE worthy of this. I know that sometimes you struggle, but like your dad says, "Dirt only becomes Diamonds under heat and pressure". You are being refined at this very moment. You are becoming the best version of yourself. Give it some time to work.
You have so many people around you that care about you. I know that you feel alone and lonely at times. You may feel lonely but you are definitely not alone. Remember that you have a whole network of people who care about your success from family to friends and even teachers. Block out the noise of naysayers, and surround your self with positive influences. You have what you need to make it in this effort. I believe in you and even if you can't always hear me I am always cheering you on. I know that someday you will meet me and realize that you and I were the same all along. Until that day comes, listen to that whisper in your mind telling you that the future looks bright and you have so much going for you! Keep going! You are winning the race!

Sincerely,
Future Self

Weekend Work

Working, tired, brain is dead, what else? I can't think today.. but my head is so full!!! I have alot happening in my life right now and it makes my head spin! I am not saying that others don't have greater trials than mine, or even that my life is really unfortunate at all. I am merely commenting on the fact that when there is too much swirling around in my little pot that sometimes I get boggled and things boil over. I worked this weekend and I was so tired that I laid on the couch literally as soon as I came home and fell asleep. My poor kids made themselves some sandwiches and watched movies, read and played in their room. I didn't get any homework really done at all!! I still have laundry and dishes to do and we are hoping to be moving to a new apt next month and I haven't even started packing! I must be mis-managing my time somewhere. I blame the sleeping, but I am soo tired! I want to keep going when I get home, but then I get there and I just need to rest. I am really frustrated right now because I have so much that I need to get done. I have deadlines! I tell myself that I just need to push past it, work harder. Lately my will and my body aren't in agreement on the subject. There must be something that I can do. I haven't wrapped my brain around it yet, but if I keep it up I know I will.
In a perfect world I would only have to worry about school and studying right now. I wouldn't have to figure out ways to work as many hours as possible, go to school, pay the bills, spend time with my kids, keep up on their homework, have some time for myself, and of course sleep. Instead, I live in an imperfect world, where as a mother I still have a dream of going to school, of making enough money to be able to give my children a good life. I have three children who want time with their mother and do not fully understand that Mommy has so much to do. I can't live in a box so I have to work, and although my managers support my endeavor to obtain an education, they still require my presence and my full 110% at work.
Other Moms do this, I have seen it. What is the secret? I must know... it is so important that I discover just the right recipe for success. Wish me luck... now.. off to take a tiny nap.

Old Friends

I am enjoying Facebook. I know it sounds so corny, but really the site has helped me to find and reconnect with many long lost friends. I am excited each time I find another kindred spirit from my past. I haven't been great about staying in contact with friends from childhood and school, but I am trying to change that! I am sending messages and making comments and doing my best to keep contact with my recently rediscovered friends! I love it! I have gotten to see how their lives turned out. I enjoy pictures of their families and the stories of their lives! We have all changed in varied ways but we are all still us and I love that too! I enjoy chatting about what we have all been doing for the past few years and getting caught up on what their family life is like and what their kids are doing, it is great! I don't always contribute much on my end, but I really enjoy all the activities of my friends and family!

Parenthood... and other mysteries

Parenthood, it's fun, tiring, complicated and crazy. You have your ups and downs. Lately it seems like alot of downs, so I am very ready for my fair share of ups! My kids all seem to go through their drama at once, it makes me feel like my stress gland is going to explode!! My 5 year old is going through a major attitude issue right now. She doesn't want to listen, and the fits.. oh the fits are more than any mom can handle!! Sometimes I just want to have a kid sale and see how much I can get for her! But then she wraps her arms around me and snuggles close and tells me how much she loves me which of course makes the whole world right again! It is funny how when the kids are driving me crazy I need a break, but when they are gone I miss them like crazy!
I have some changes I need to make with how I run my ship.. I have to figure out how to be more organized and how to better mange my time. I have a better idea of what life is like while in school, so what I need to do now is to re-invent my plan. I have been trying to do things the way I always have, but with our new way of life it isn't working. I always seem to be running behind!! So I have been writing ideas down, trying new things out, and taking advice from all the moms I admire. Hopefully life will be more streamline in the future and that will allow for a better relationship with my kids!!! I miss getting to have fun with them! I love being a mom, I just have to get all the kinks worked out!!

School

I am frustrated about school today. I am attempting to make out my schedule of classes and I have to admit that I am more than a bit frustrated. I am trying to figure out how to juggle my classes and my kids and my job. No matter what I do to twist my schedule around it just isn't perfect. I will have to have some kind of compromise somewhere. Arrgghhh!!!! I hate to complain because I am really grateful to be in school.. but ARRGHH!!! Seriously I need an EASY button from Staples!
I have to give a shout out to all of the other students that are trying to better their lives while still trying to fully support themselves and possibly a family as well. It isn't easy and I think that we should start some type of support group or club or something to give people someone to talk to or relate to during all this. I mean wouldn't you want someone who could understand what you are going through? I know I would! My family does a great job, but I hate to vent to them. My parents do so much to help me but I don't want them to worry just because I need to talk about something that is stressing me. A support group would be just the thing!
I am sure that someday I will look back on all this and think it wasn't so bad, but right now I am cranky and tired so it is! Oh well, it is all for a good cause.. my family's future that is!

Writers Block

I am really trying to make this blog interesting so that anyone who reads it doesn't die of boredom. Today I am really having a hard time thinking of anything that you would want to hear. I am not even able to rely on the usual chatter going on in my head to help me to fill the void. I am just .. well... blah. I am trying to balance my life like weights on a huge mental scale. Homework, dinner, kids, kids homework. Then there is laundry and groceries, work and believe it or not sometimes you have to sleep! I know that so many others out there are trying to do what I do, I would love to hear how you do it!!! Some days I just don't know how I am going to get through this! I don't want to cheat my kids so at times I think about just going back to work full-time; but I don't want to cheat myself either so I don't want to give up school. I know that there is a way to get this all done short of developing super powers!
My mother had 6 children and successfully managed to raise us without going insane. I have 3 kids but still can't seem to get it together! I know that I work and go to school, but my mother - self feels like she should be able to pull it all off without a hitch. I know it sounds like I am whining.. who knows, maybe I am. I am not trying to, I just need to vent. I need to empty out the stress and worries so that something productive can find room to put down roots in my frazzled brain.

Free-Write / What are you Passionate about?

What am I passionate about? Well, there are so many things that I am very interested in, but I would have to say that one thing that I am truly passionate about is my work. I don't mean just my job, but my work. I currently work as a therapy tech for a rehabilitation facility. Each day I work with people of different ages and conditions in a setting that promotes healing and activity. I assist the therapists in treating the patients , I keep the therapy area clean and organized, and I make sure the patients are on time to their treatments and organize patient schedules for the following day. I love what I do, but I want even more.
I am in school studying to be an Occupational Therapy Assistant. I want to do more than just assist; I want to treat the patients myself. I want to be involved more deeply in the care and treatment of the wonderful people I work with everyday.
I wonder if you might say that I am also passionate about the people themselves? I love my patients! I find something about each one that I can relate with or understand about them. That process of connection with patients has really allowed me to serve their needs more effectively. The career I am entering is very geared toward serving others. I love the opportunity to make a difference in someone elses life for the better.
I especially enjoy the geriatric population. The elderly age group has so much to share with those of my generation. I experience so many learning moments while working with them. I enjoy the words of wisdom, the patience, and the strength that my older patients show. Even though therapy can at times be painful, the patients are so brave. I am so proud to be involved in therapy and I am so thankful for the chance to help others! I am truly passionate about the work that I am allowed to do! I am thankful for the chance to find something that I can be passionate about. Once you truly find your passion, you have found yourself!

A Very Private Public Thank - You

I am writing tonight about a very special someone. No, not who you might think. It isn't my husband, my children, my parents or my friends. I am writing about my college English Professor. Actually professor really isn't the word I would pick for to describe her, she is my Teacher. I think that is a word she would like better. My English teacher is quite a lady. I am sure that she doesn't know that I have this particular opinion of her and that is folly on my part. Maybe she will read this and come to know, or maybe I will just send it to her so that she can see what I am too shy to say to her face. I think she is wonderful and I admire her very much. I enjoy her wisdom and to tell the truth, envy her a bit. She is educated, classy, well spoken and attractive. She carries herself with the air of someone who is comfortable in their own skin, and likes the person that she is. I wish I felt that way about myself, maybe that is why I enjoy being in her presence, as some of her charm might come my way. I enjoy her class very much She has made me want to write. I still don't feel very comfortable at it, that will take more time, but I finally feel like I should express myself. I have always kept my thoughts to myself, thinking no one cared to hear them. Mrs. A has shown me that sometimes you write just for you and the audience will find you . I have learned that words hold so much more power than I ever thought. I like her little anecdotes for life, I hope that I can remember all of them so that I can use them! I like the class so much that I actually speak out in class which I am NEVER comfortable doing. I wish I didn't struggle so much at times with the assignments. I am not very confident in my ability to interpret what she expects from an assignment, but I do try. I wish that I had an excuse to take another English class, but sadly I do not. Maybe I will be privileged enough to keep in contact with her in some manner after my time in her class has passed. I hope so. If you get the chance to read this Mrs. A., Thank you so much for teaching me. Thank you for helping me to grow. Thanks for taking the time to help a withered overwhelmed 30 something mom feel like a real college student. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

Things You Might Think About on a Tuesday

It was just another Tuesday at work, I stay pretty busy every day that I work. I have a lengthy list of projects to keep me busy aside from working with my patients. I am hopping from the time I walk in the doors until I leave each evening. I love how quickly my day goes by, I like my co-workers and my bosses, and I love my patients. I have to say that my patients are probably my favorite most amazing part of what I do. I always try to find something about each and every person that joins our facility that I can relate to. I love getting to know these special people from all walks of life. One such person is a especially lovely lady who I will call Bess. Bess is wracked by pain and muscle spasms. She suffers from extreme contractures of the muscles, which is when your muscles are in a constant state of tension with no release. She has a severe skin condition and has been unable to walk or use her legs in over 4 years. She developed a bad infection in her spine and one hip that required strong antibiotics and invasive surgery. She has been through so much and yet her outlook is one of the best I have ever encountered. She is sunny and sweet and upbeat. Even with all that I do to be cheerful and attentive to each of my patients, Bess puts me to shame! I am amazed by this sweet, caring, tiny bit of a woman. No matter how many times I go to her room to get her for yet another session of therapy, she never complains. She is happy to see me and always has a good word to say about whatever we are doing that day. I know that her body is always in pain, and the pain medication she takes only reduces the pain she feels it doesn't take it completely away. Despite constant pain and several health problems, she never stops smiling!
The bar Bess sets is high. I look at myself and I can't help but ask, "Do I do each task I am given in a cheerful manner?", "Do I treat each person I meet kindly?", and "What kind of example do I set for others?'. I think it has really made me take a good look at myself. I know that it is hard sometimes to juggle what I do, but there is always someone who has more to bear. Who am I that the world should revolve around me. I am finding so much more fulfillment and happiness when it doesn't. I once read a quote by Mother Teresa, "Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier". I really think that Bess has mastered this task. I do not believe that anyone could spend time in her presence without leaving a little richer.

Free Writing - Significant Event

I have been lucky enough to have had many significant events in my life. I have made many mistakes and experienced many times of redemption. So, I guess you might say that for the good or the bad I have experienced significance in my life. One such event was the decision to go back to school. I have tried on more than one occasion to re-start my education. I have previously failed in my attempts. I wanted what I had decided was a life I deserved and I knew that it required a certain pay scale and education level to attain that status. Through some basic reasoning that calculated to one answer, an education was top priority. I knew that without a proper education with a certificate to prove it, that my dreams would be a moot point.
My first step was how to turn this dream into an actual reality. That took a bit more doing than I had expected. I had daydreamed on many occasions what my college experience would be like. What it actually was, now that was a different story. Having very little experience in a college setting before, I had no idea how to truly visualize what was in store for me!
I sat nervously and fidgety in the open loft-like room. Second floor, to the left, check in at the desk, the directions had been. I was thrilled that I had made it this far! The long walk from the parking lot was hard enough, and then there was what seemed like a slow death march up the stairs to the front doors of the Information Commons. I cleared my dry throat and tried to sound like I knew what I was doing when I asked the receptionist where I would begin my journey. Second floor, to the left, check in at the desk. Well, here I was. I had signed my name like so many others on a long list of those waiting, generic blue ink pen in shaking hand I scrawled my name across the blank space indicated. Why was it so hard to remember what my name was anyway? Why was I so nervous? Had the room lacked oxygen this much when I first entered? Did the fluorescent lights above me glare so hot and bright then? I squirmed around in the hard waiting room style chair that I had deposited myself into. I waited in the still air to hear my name called, to know that it was my turn. I heard the nervous rustlings of the others, the papers crinkling, throats clearing, impatient fidgeting just like me. I heard the clerks chatting cheerily in their cubicles, awaiting some silent signal, I imagined, that would alert them to our performance time. A test of our skills, that is what was required of us. A test to place me in my slot I had heard. I didn't know where I fit at this point. Was the room always this stuffy? The wait was becoming unbearable, I needed to think of something else. I began to count the tiles in the ceiling above me. 1, 2, 3, 46, and then I heard it, My name. My name! My turn had finally come!

Viva Las Vegas!

I got to spend a whole weekend with my favorite guy in fabulous Las Vegas!!! My husband and I have hit alot of rough patches in our relationship, it definitely isn't easy coming from previous failed marriages, bringing children into the mix and trying to create a family. We broke up and then got back together, we fought and made up.. it is a growing process. On top of that we have also had to deal with financial stress and other environmental factors in our lives. He had a major career change and we moved to Springfield. It wasn't easy for me to leave my cute little community where I had my comfort zone of friends, family and a good job. I made the decision to follow my husband and here we are. We let things come between us and we started to have alot of disagreements about kids and kid issues. The fighting and tension got progressively worse and we decided to separate. At first I wasn't sure how it was all going to work. We didn't talk about divorce, although we have before. We just gave each other space and let things go their way. We have been doing really well the last few weeks. It hasn't been an easy journey by any means, but we are still here. I love this man so much. I know that we mess up sometimes and say things we don't mean, but we always come right back to each other. We really are meant to be it seems. Anyway, I got the chance to join him on the Vegas trip he won through work! It was so exciting! He has earned his way into the top 2% of his company in sales. He was honored for this achievement with an all expense paid trip. I had never been to Vegas and I was so giddy to be experiencing it with him. It was a whirlwind weekend. The first night we had a formal dinner, with a live band and delicious food. The next day we got to float down the Colorado River!! That was AWESOME!!!! 4 hours on the water watching beautiful scenery and taking in the wonder of new surroundings. I enjoyed being with my guy through all this. I love to travel and with school and kids and work this is was just what the Doctor ordered!!! We had to head out on Sunday morning, so the trip wasn't terribly long, but it was still a good time! I got to walk the strip and take pictures of the lights, check out the shows at all the sights and sounds of Las Vegas. On the way home things got a bit messy, our flight was cancelled, we got to spend a night in a hotel, catch another flight out the next day and miss school and work.. at least I did. But all in all, we had a good time, I got to see Vegas, and we did really well together.. so there is that!!!

Lost too Long

I got the best message on my MySpace page today! I reconnected with my very long long lost childhood best friend!! We first met when we were being screened for Kindergarten and we were best friends from then on. She moved away for a short time when we were in second grade and I was devastated. I used to have dreams that I would see her somewhere and we would reconnect. A couple of years later she moved back to our hometown and life was good! We shared so many growing up moments together. We went through childhood and the awkward tween stage. Right before we entered our teens my family moved to Wyoming. I lost contact with Angela and time passed. I moved on to a family and a busy life. Through the years I have often wondered about my good friend and I have even tried to find her in various ways without success. I finally just decided that she would be one of those people that you always wonder about and regret losing. Then, miracle of all miracles... there she was! I couldn't believe it!!! She found me! I got the best note from her, telling me that she had missed me too! She had been looking for me and had experienced the same frustrations and almost gave up! I am so glad that we have reconnected! She was my first best friend, and no one has ever replaced her in my life. I have had many good friends in my life, but she was so very special! I look forward to catching up with her and re-establishing our friendship!!!!

Nasty Weather

I hate this weather! It is bad enough that it is cold and rainy/snowy, but the fact that I had just gotten used to the beautiful weather we were enjoying.. well that makes it worse! I miss the sun! Where are my warm rays?? I need soft breezes, not freezing winds! I need beautiful spring! No in like a lion, out like a lamb business! I want a lamb going in and and lamb going out! I can't wait to go without a jacket and wear my flip flops! I want to start playing tennis at my local park again! I love the feel of the warm sun on my skin. I don't care that I am so fair that I shouldn't like the sun. So what if I get a few freckles.. what am I preserving myself for? So that I can become wrinkly someday from old age anyway? I wear sunscreen, maybe that isn't enough I don't know! I just love nice weather. I would love living somewhere tropical with balmy breezes all the time. I could get used to walking barefoot in warm sand, and reading a book while relaxing in a hammock swaying back and forth. I could definitely get used to sipping on margaritas and taking naps in the shade of a big umbrella while the surf laps at my toes. Yeah... I could see myself there. Jimmy Buffet knows what he is talking about.

Late Night Essay

So despite my best intentions here I am again doing my homework late at night on Sunday... Oh I tried to get it done early, every night I try, but only on occasion does that happen. I don't know how to micro-manage my time any tighter than I already do! I know that I could do better, because if there wasn't anything I could change then I would be perfect! I just haven't figured out just the right combo to fit dinner, conversation with my kids to stay connected, homework for all three of them, dishes, laundry, snuggle time, exercise, bills, and my own homework all into a 4 to 5 hour period. Plus my body lets me down on a regular basis, falling asleep before my work is done, my brain shuts down on me, my eyelids droop, head starts to hurt. Doesn't my body know that I am running behind? Some nerve I tell you!
I am feeling pretty burnt out this semester. I think it is just because there is way too much going on in my life that I wasn't prepared for. I factored in school, work, and the kids school. I didn't plan for so much illness, and ex trouble, and that I would have to work so much to make ends meet. All that has added up to make it way harder to learn than I had expected. I really really want to graduate from college, I am determined to stay, but I have a family to take care of and be responsible for. I have to get this right, I have to figure out a way to make it all flow smoothly! I just get so frustrated sometimes! I hate to be a whiner, but I want my chance too! I know that I am a mother and I need to work and to provide a home and food, but I don't want to work for $9.00 an hour forever, I want to have some savings set aside for the proverbial rainy day, I want more than to live from one paycheck to another and having those paychecks not even be enough. There are so many others out there like me, and I am not saying that they are doing anything wrong, but I have only myself and my children to think about in that sense and I have to make my own changes if I ever expect the world situation to improve. So, keep your fingers crossed for me, that my homework gets done, that I receive a decent grade, that my kids don't go hungry and that I can pay my bills and sleep in my bed one more month because I was able to make rent. I know that I have this to do... just keep finding the strength to pull it off that is the key.

Family.. it's a good thing!

I am just typing away this morning enjoying the sunshine and the fact that neither my children or I have school today! I am not saying that I dislike my classes or my teachers, but sometimes you get a break and it is just fun!!! I am really loving this weather!! I took a long hike with my favorite guy yesterday at the Nature Center, then we took my daughter and two of my brothers to the park to explore the caves and take a trek around the park. We finished our visit off with some frisbee which brought a whole lot of laughs! It was so great!! I had a wonderful time. As I sat on the big rock cliff over the caves and just enjoyed the breeze and the sun, I was so excited that Spring is finally here!! I love nice weather and hanging with family!

I am the oldest of 6 children, two girls four boys. I have spent pretty much my whole life sharing a bedroom with someone. Depending on the weather and the night sounds, sometimes I even shared my bed with whatever little boy had a nightmare and was too scared to sleep alone. Being a big sister wasn't always cake though. I had kids in my room constantly, in my make up and messing up my private stuff. I got the opportunity to babysit alot whether I liked it or not, and my mom was always needed help with the littlest ones. The upside was that I was never alone so there was always someone to hang out with. Games were more fun because we always had enough people to play, and holidays were a blast with so many laughing, happy people to celebrate with! As we have grown older and busier it has become harder and harder to keep the family close. I don't see my family nearly as much as I would like to. My sister lives in Florida and I haven't been able to see her for 2 years. The oldest of my brothers is married and is busy with his family, and my 3 youngest brothers are working and studying and busy doing young, single "guy stuff". We usually get together for holidays and everyone's birthday and things like that. But sometimes, like families do.. you pull together for even the littlest things and prove what family is all about.
I took a trip recently and experienced some travelers angst on the trip home. What was supposed to be a whirlwind weekend trip to Vegas became a flying fiascoe! We were on a company trip and were enjoying the sights and nightlife of Las Vegas, we had to leave out early in the day on Sunday to make our flight. I wish that we had known what would happen that evening, I would have just spent one more day in Sin City! We made it all the way to St. Louis.. a mere 3 hrs and change from home. Our flight got pushed back and then cancelled.. we had to stay overnight and catch a flight out the next day because the company didnt want us to rent a car and drive while tired. We were on company time, so we booked a room at the Marriott and tried to get some sleep. the next day we flew from St. Louis to Dallas, so that we could fly from Dallas to Springfield. I know.. seems nutty. So, when we FINALLY got home I expected to find a dirty house, piles of dishes, and stir crazy kids. But like I said, family is awesome! My brothers had been watching the kids while we were gone, and they did laundry, washed dishes and cooked for the kids all weekend. I came home from my trip to a clean house and my brother Micah even brought dinner so we wouldn't have to cook!!!! Fantastic!!! Can't get better than that!! I have the best family ever!

Glad for Sunshine!

What a crazy day it has been!!! But when I look out my window at this moment all I can think of is Sunshine! I woke up sick this morning and had to call in to work because we aren't supposed to work if we are contagious, have a fever, or are vomiting. I will leave it to you to guess which one I had. I felt soo bad!! I sucked it up long enough to drive my children to school because I don't live far away enough from the school to qualify for a bus route. I went straight home after that and crashed!!! I have to say that today sleep never felt sooo good! I bet I was a sight laying there in bed with a towel and a big kitchen bowl for just in case. Yeah, I am sure it was a real Norman Rockwell moment. Oh well, bodies don't always feel good and that is normal. I took my turn and soon I will recuperate and then I will be done and then it can be someone else's turn!! And now.. back to laying down... I am feeling a bit queasy.

St. Patrick's Day

I know that St. Patrick's Day isn't considered a "major" holiday by some, but for me it is noteworthy. As a person of strong Irish-American heritage, St. Pat's Day is a day in celebration of those who came before me. Yes, I know it is a holiday devoted mainly to pub crawls and corned beef. Yes I know that pinching will happen whether I wear green or not, and I also know that most people have no idea what St. Patrick's Day is really about. Here is a bit of Irish History for you!

The person who was to become St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was born in Wales about AD 385. His given name was Maewyn, and he almost didn't get the job of bishop of Ireland because he lacked the required scholarship.

Far from being a saint, until he was 16, he considered himself a pagan

. At that age, he was sold into slavery by a group of Irish marauders that raided his village. During his captivity, he became closer to God.

He escaped from slavery after six years and went to Gaul where he studied in the monastery under St. Germain, bishop of Auxerre for a period of twelve years. During his training he became aware that his calling was to convert the pagans to Christianity.

His wishes were to return to Ireland, to convert the native pagans to Christianity. But his superiors instead appointed St. Palladius. But two years later, Palladius transferred to Scotland. Patrick, having adopted that Christian name earlier, was then appointed as second bishop to Ireland.

Patrick was quite successful at winning converts. And this fact upset the Celtic Druids. Patrick was arrested several times, but escaped each time. He traveled throughout Ireland, establishing monasteries across the country. He also set up schools and churches which would aid him in his conversion of the Irish country to Christianity.

His mission in Ireland lasted for thirty years. After that time, Patrick retired to County Down. He died on March 17 in AD 461. That day has been commemorated as St. Patrick's Day ever since.

Much Irish folklore surrounds St. Patrick's Day. Not much of it is actually substantiated.

Some of this lore includes the belief that Patrick raised people from the dead. He also is said to have given a sermon

from a hilltop that drove all the snakes from Ireland. Of course, no snakes were ever native to Ireland, and some people think this is a metaphor for the conversion of the pagans. Though originally a Catholic holy day, St. Patrick's Day has evolved into more of a secular holiday.

One traditional icon of the day is the shamrock. And this stems from a more bona fide Irish tale that tells how Patrick used the three-leafed shamrock to explain the Trinity. He used it in his sermons to represent how the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit could all exist as separate elements of the same entity. His followers adopted the custom of wearing a shamrock on his feast day.

The St. Patrick's Day custom came to America in 1737. That was the first year St. Patrick's Day was publicly celebrated in this country, in Boston.

Today, people celebrate the day with parades, wearing of the green, and drinking beer. One reason St. Patrick's Day might have become so popular is that it takes place just a few days before the first day of spring. One might say it has become the first green of spring.



I am not a beer drinker, never having developed a taste for it. I guess I failed my genes in that area. My mother's side also boasts German as well as Irish, so go figure.. you would think I would be a big fan of the brew. I have heard stories my whole life of the Homeland. I am actually descended from Ireland, Scotland, and Wales. With relatives from all three being intermarried with the different peoples. I carry a deep family pride for all my heritage. My Great-Grandpa always said that family is a person's most precious possession. That clan comes before anything in the world. I bear the physical traits of my race. My fair skin, freckles and red hair mark me, but I don't mind. I proudly smile through the jokes about my red hair and whether I have a bad temper or a taste for wild things, I laugh at all the Irish jokes and I make my own quips about kissing the blarney stone as a child and my gift of gab. I am proud of who I am. I am grateful to my great great grandparents who made the journey to this strange new land. I am proud of how they tamed the land, fending off Indians and whites alike to stake a claim for the generations that would follow. I have heard the stories of brave men and women who settled in America from my Great-Grandfather, my Grandmother and my Father. I hope to emulate my amazing ancestors and to bring honor to our family name. I take my heritage very seriously, but being who I am and coming from the apple cheeked jolly race of storytellers and horse-traders known for their wit, I must laugh and enjoy a day devoted to fun and celebration! So to all those who are Irish, and all those to wish they were, Happy St. Patty's Day!!!!

3 hours at Chuckie Cheese

Tonight was a long one. I worked all day and then the race began... pick up all the kids from all the different places they were located and figure out what to eat. When I picked my little one up from her dad tonight she immediately began to beg to go to Chuckie Cheese. I know that it must be hard at times to put up with a momma that is always busy or broke, so I decided that maybe it wouldn't be all that over budget to go. Now as you can imagine any restaurant geared toward children on a Friday night is bound to be busy, and this was no exception!! There were little kids everywhere!! I have to say however, that CC has a great way to make a mom feel more secure. They have in place a system where the children and parents from each family are stamped with a number/letter combo that can only be seen under a black light. When you go to leave an attendant will check your stamp to see if the adults and children match up! Once when I went for a family birthday, my children weren't even able to leave with their grandparents because the numbers didn't match! What a great idea! I am not saying that I don't trust my own parents or even that I don't want my children to go anywhere with them. I am saying that I love that even an adult that a child might want to vouch for would not be able to leave the facility with said child if the codes don't match! My middle daughter Miss B even pointed out when we left Chuckie's that she had washed her hands just prior to having her code checked and it hadn't washed off. So, that is one less thing. I still watch my kids like a hawk when they play at Chuckie Cheese, or anywhere else for that matter, but with three children that vigilance can become difficult to keep up. I appreciate that there is a fun place for kids where parents can truly get a break. Food, Fun, and Safety. I don't see how it can get much better than that!! Unless they started serving cocktails and instituted Happy Hour!!! Oh well, as Meatloaf put it... "Two out of Three ain't bad!"

College

So as I mentioned, I am a college student. I love being in school! I am not a great student and my grades right now are just average, but I am loving the experience! I am so grateful to have the opportunity to get an education! I mean to be honest how many people get this chance? Especially when you are 31 years old with kids?? I have to say that I am truly blessed. Once I graduate I will be the first of my parents children to finish school. I look forward to this. I know that it will make my parents very proud. I also really want to do this for myself and my children. I want to be able to provide a better life for my family. I want a nice home with a yard and enough room for all my children to have space to grow. I want something more than our two bedroom two bath apartment. I can't wait to have skills to offer an employer! I have always had to just learn on the fly doing the best that I could and just being a hard worker to impress my bosses. When I get done with school, not only will I still be a hard worker, but I will bring something to the table this time. I will have valuable skills and knowledge to offer an employer.

At times I become so frustrated! Fellow students out there I am sure that you can relate! If I don't do well on an assignment or if I feel that my work won't measure up to my fellow students' then I feel a bit down, but I keep on plugging along. I didn't start this to drop out. As they say I am In it to Win it! I won't quit and I cheer for any other students trying to make this happen. We can do it! We are part of the 20% of the group that actually makes it to an institution of higher learning. So I will hold my head up and throw my shoulders back and do what I must do to get what I want! Good luck to the rest of you as well!!!!

Quick and Healthy Dinners

I am on a mission! I want to find easy healthy meals that I can convince picky children to eat. I am on a very tight schedule and I have so very little time to make dinner when I get home. I am an inexperienced cook, and I go into this adventure with reservations and those aren't dinner reservations! I need to locate meal ideas that my children and I can both agree on. I need those same healthy, yummy cooking masterpieces to take less than 45 minutes to prepare and serve. Not biggie right? Well, It is if you have no idea what you are doing! I am determined to learn! I want more for my family's dinner than merely take-out and Box dinners. There has to be recipes out there that picky children and their equally picky mother can enjoy. I want to incorporate more veggies and whole foods into the mix and maybe just maybe some alternatives to meat? Who knows I might even serve two veggies in one meal! Since I have been in school and working our lifestyle has become much more hectic to say the least. I haven't been working out, the kids haven't adhered to bedtimes, and we have been eating at strange hours and not the most healthy cuisine. In the last year there has been alot of fast food and box dinners. We have begun a schedule of lunchable nights and McDonalds nights, and pizza nights. It is a bit sad that even my youngest child has that schedule memorized! I will pick her up from daycare and she will say "Oh it is McDonalds night!" or whatever meal is designated for that night. So, again I have determined that we are going to get away from this dead end lifestyle and begin a new healthier regimen. I believe that it will not only help me to think and feel better but also aid my children in being more alert in school and having a more productive learning experience. So, anyone who wants to contribute any good tips or recipes to this post... send them! I will be grateful for any and all suggestions!

Motherhood Lessons

I am a mom, not just a title that I wear, I am a mother. I need some fine tuning for sure.. but I am working on that. One thing that I have learned about motherhood is that God is good enough to give you life lessons just when you didn't know that you needed them. Last night we followed our usual routine, rush home, eat whatever I can throw together, sit down and try to muddle through elementary school homework, baths and bed... ah... deep breath. Then we start the long line of times that my youngest Aidan will get out of bed and ask for water, or come into the living room just to tell me that she got up to go potty or that she can't sleep. With all the stresses of the day I usually am feeling pretty uptight and tired and fried at this time, which leads to some unpleasant sniping on my part whenever Aidan pulls this stuff. I am usually in a dark mood by the time I actually attempt to study for my own homework. I am tired and cranky and muddled and wondering "what was I thinking when I thought I could do this?". Mercifully last night was different.
The evening started the same, but somewhere in the middle something changed. I was dealing with putting the kids to bed, which is usually like pulling teeth without Novocaine, when I had an AH moment. I kissed each child and hugged them too, fielded questions on whether they could watch TV for "just a little bit" before bed and asked if they had brushed their teeth. I got to Aidan's bed and hugged her and kissed her, when I went to pull away she held me close and said "Mommy, I miss you". I stopped.. dead in my tracks. I realized that there was so much in those four little words. A little 5 year old girl lost in the shuffle. Always trying to stay out of the way, but fighting not to be forgotten. I felt ashamed of how I always ask her in my exasperated tone to "PLEASE play in your room" or "Aidan can you play magic fairy princess somewhere else?" or the one that cut the most, "Mommy, I made this beautiful picture just for YOU! Do you like it?" to which I gave a distracted "uh-huh" while trying to read for a test. I realized in that moment that my little crazy bundle of energy wasn't a nuisance, she was a wonderful addition to my family, maybe I didn't want her to hurry up and grow out of this stage maybe she was perfect where she was.
Instead of prying her little arms off my neck and begging her to please go to sleep so that I could actually get something done, I asked her if she thought that her stuffed animal friends would mind one more in the bed. It warmed my heart the way she silently asked them and then told me it was "cool with them". I crawled into the tiny space she made just for me. We covered up in her pink blankets and snuggled close. She stroked my face and said, "Mommy, I love you, You are my very best friend!" There it was, the perfect phrase to unlock tear ducts. I whispered in a voice thick with tears, "Aidan you are my best friend too", and I meant it. "Thank you God" I thought as I held her close and listened to her breathe. "Thank you for this child, thank you for letting me be her mother". I felt her small body in my arms and tried to memorize how it felt for times when she wouldn't feel the same. In that moment, homework and my job and bills and anything else seemed so insignificant. I prayed that God would help me remember that she was not to be put in the background of my life. It hit me like bricks that someday she would be grown and I would wish for more memories of times like this and so I must change before it was too late. I was so thankful for that precious moment with my baby, my little girl. Her breathing was slow so I knew she had fallen asleep, peacefully, no fight needed. I was in no hurry to let her go, so I lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks into her soft golden hair. I listened to the chorus of my three beautiful children breathing in their sleep, and again thanked God for motherhood lessons. I could study later, blessings come first.

Life... and McDonalds

Its Tuesday night and once again I am heading home from a long day of whatever I have going.. work .. school.. and life. I envy those mothers who have figured it all out. The Betty Crocker lifestyle, organized home, clean kitchen and clean well-behaved children. I however, do not yet have that one down pat! I am the frazzled stressed frizzy-haired mom with kids all talking at once with my SUV full of school papers and stuffed animals, trying to make my grocery list in my head while I drive. I wait each day for the dreaded question... "Hey Mom? What's for dinner??" Of course, dinner. That meal that families eat at the end of the day at their cute little tables and chat about their day. Hmm.. what IS for dinner??? And then an epiphany! It's Tuesday! It's $1.99 Happy Meal Night at McDonalds! Hamburger, fries, drink and a toy? My kids are screaming like we just won the lottery. The vote is unanimous. Am I thinking about future clogged arteries? Do I calculate fat grams and sodium? Not tonight. I am imagining my 3 lovely children happily chowing down on fried potato goodness, playing with their cheap plastic toys. Ah, I can get a head start on bedtime, start my homework early and still get the laundry done! Eat your heart out Betty Crocker, Hamburger Helper Glove Guy even you can't make dinner fast enough this time. In the time it takes to whip out my debit card and pull to the second drive-thru window.. dinner is served!